my life 4 jesus.co.za

 

Dealing with abuse…  CONTINUED

God forbade cliques, and the spreading of twisted and harmful truths 

God commanded in Ex. 23:1-2, “You shall not circulate a false report.  Do not put your hand with the wicked to be an unrighteous witness.  You shall not follow a crowd to do evil; nor shall you testify in a dispute so as to turn aside after many to pervert justice.  You shall not show partiality to a poor man in his dispute, [just because you pity him.]”

This means, it is a SIN to believe, defend, and aid the distorted, false, and maliciously harmful opinions of others. 

Do not become witches who influence others to join cliques, excommunicating the innocent from their fellowship and spreading evil stories to protect and advance sin against their neighbors!  [THE SMEAR-CAMPAIGN OF THE PARENTS IN THE ‘HOUSE-SWAPPING SAGA,’ WHO GATHERED THE ‘WHOLE WORLD’ TO THEIR SIDE WHILE OSTRACIZING THE SON AND HIS FAMILY, IS A CLASSIC EXAMPLE OF THIS INCREDIBLY SINFUL PRACTICE.]  Tell the truth and reveal the truth of every situation; do not be bias and unfair!  Paul elaborated in Eph. 4:31, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking, [circulating false and  hurtful reports, partiality, and mobbing,] be put away from you, with all malice.” 

Even a true report, intended for malicious purposes, murders just as surely as lying slander! 

The following illustrates the spreading of truths that deeply wound and carelessly and/or intentionally, destroy even the innocent involved.  A ‘dear’ old ‘saint’ used to pray publically in this manner, “O Lord, we pray for Jack Joke...  You know he is a hopeless alcoholic and began drinking again.  He is beating his wife Jill and his children are going hungry again.  Last week, in the cold, we also had to collect clothes…” 

Another good example is the ‘house-swapping saga’ of the do-gooder parents, who never ceased to remind everyone how they “gave” “the house” to the son, (which he actually bought in a property trade,) and their continual boasting of supposedly saving their poor family members from starvation. 

Even if these cruel lies and distortions of the truth could have been mere, thoughtless blabber, it did just as much damage as intentional crimen injuria.  Everyone who didn’t know the Joke’s and the son’s terrible circumstances knew it after each prayer meeting or family gathering!  Surely, for the sake of Jill and the kids, and the son’s growing boys, love should have covered Jack and the son’s “multitude of sins!” 

Our love cannot and may never really cover abusive sin – but for the sake of the innocent involved, it would have been pleasing to God to help the Joke family and the son and his family by confronting Jack (and the son and his wife) privately and applying to those needy relatives the law of unseen charity, if it proved necessary, as described in Mt. 6:3-4. 

Jesus warned in Mt. 12:35-36, “A tree is known by its fruit, for out of the good treasure of his heart a man brings forth good things,

and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things. 

But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment.” 

 

PREREQUISITES FOR HEALING A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP

Face the facts; do not play with the roaring lion 

While sincere believers ought to “pursue [Gospel-peace] with all people as far as possible,” Scripture does not suggest that victims of abuse may secretly cling to the hope that there can indeed be a relationship between them and their unrepentant abusers - regardless of their affiliation. 

Jesus warned in Mt. 10:34-29, “Do not think that I came to bring [outward] peace on earth…  I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law, and a man’s [worst] enemies will be those of his own household.  He, who loves father or mother [son or daughter] more than Me, [My Truth and commandments,] is not worthy of Me…” 

While we have to “do good” to our abusers for the possible salvation of their souls, we dare not fraternize with the roaring lion, thus giving him a “foothold” in our lives by submitting to his control and enticements, and “becoming slaves of whom we obey,” (Rom. 6:16-23.) 

If both parties in a relationship do not submit to the truth of God’s contextual Word and the leading of the Holy Spirit, a Godly relationship will remain completely impossible.  In fact, Paul sternly forbade us to “be unequally yoked with unbelievers,” or unrepentant believers, (1 Cor. 5:11-12.) He firmly declared 1 Cor. 15:33 that sick relationships will lead to our own emotional and spiritual downfall! 

God’s time is always now, this very moment; today!

An important aspect of life needs to become clear to every lonely victim, yearning for love and acceptance.  We gamble our lives away by living in a dream world, pretending that our abusers will come to Christ shortly, and  all our suffering will be over, (1 Cor. 7:16.) 

God is able to save anyone’s soul and radically transform any life.  But for the purpose of this discussion, we are concentrating on Scriptural guidelines to deal with those who are intent on destroying us. 

Following Christ does not mean we have to live in denial.  Despite all the Christian doctrines to the contrary, God did not promise us the whole world.  Jesus said “narrow is the way and few are those who find it!”  And so, we might spend a whole lifetime in hope of sharing a better tomorrow with our abusers just to find that, for our own sakes, God wanted us to follow Him today!  God expects us to realize that our lives are real now, for God’s time is always this very moment! (Heb. 3:7)  So, while seeking God’s face to lead us in His particular will for that situation, let us not remain focused on what we have lost, or become consumed by what we hope to gain.  Let us rather thank God for the wisdom and everything else we have already gained, and for everything we have today.  Let us ask Him to help us do the best with what we have now - for the sake of everyone involved. 

We may trust God always, for despite our physical circumstances, today, now, every sincere believer is safe IN Christ – as long as we remain in His will for us, of course, (read Rom. 8:31-37.) 

Prepare for resistance and take care of yourself first

God had created us as free-willed beings.  Our Lord is the Most High God, and He is omniscient and omnipotent.  He calls, and we must answer; He leads, and we must follow.  He commands, and we must obey.  Still, in utter fairness, He allows human beings to choose their own destiny.  God has a million ways to deal with sinning humanity, and eventually, He will punish all unrepentant disobedience.  Yet, He allows us to choose what we want to do with every situation in our lives, (Jn. 1:11-13; 10:3-4; Mt. 7:21-23.) 

In Mt. 18:6-9, Jesus taught on the gravity of abuse, and began by calling out “Woe” to those who reject His discipline, invoking the Devine Judgment of God upon them, even before He began describing the process to recover both victim and abuser from the edge of this treacherous abyss. 

Knowing the hardness of the psychopathic heart, and the stubbornness of its unrepentant soul, Jesus warned the victims of abuse, there is a great possibility that their abusers will never repent.  And so, Jesus instructed the victims of abuse to take care of their own lives first, commanding, “Take heed to yourselves!  [Look after yourselves; take care of your eternal souls and your physical bodies, which is the temple of the Holy Spirit!  Do not allow hurt and anger to escalate into unforgiveness, hard-heartedness, and revenge!]  If you brother, [or neighbor, seriously] sins against you, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him…”  (Lu. 17:3.) 

If our abusers submit to Jesus’ steps to recovery, fine!  But there is a great possibility that they will not.  So be prepared to meet with unrelenting resistance, in which case, we have to be prepared to obey Jesus’ commandment concerning our own safety, whatever the cost. 

Count the cost to freedom 

When turning themselves over to Satan as his instruments of destruction, our loved ones have the incredible power, (through our trust in them, our love for them, and our dependence upon them,) to cause us to disobey Christ; to lose our faith and hope in Christ; turning away from God and forsaking His Truth, thus forfeiting our salvation forever! – (Heb. 6:4-6.) 

To protect His disciples, Jesus actually commanded, “[If you have followed My directives as far as possible and your abuser still refuses to repent, be prepared to mutilate yourself in order to set yourself free from that abuse.  So,] if your hand or foot, (or eye) causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you.   It is better to enter into life lame or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet, (or two eyes,) to be cast into the everlasting fire!” 

From the gravity of Jesus’ teaching, it’s apparent that He wasn’t referring to the casual hurts of outsiders.  Jesus was referring to our abusive loved ones; the treasured ‘apples of our eyes!’  Our human ‘hands’ and ‘feet,’ on whom we depend for help, provision, guidance, comfort, and protection. 

Jesus’ instruction relates to a leopard with its paw in a snare.  In order to save its life, the desperate animal will often have to chew off its own foot.  Victims always have to count the cost to freedom, (Read Lu. 14:26-35.) Victims have to know that, if they are unable to recover their abusive loved ones from the edge of the abyss, thus also delivering their own wounded souls and battered bodies from abuse, they will have to be prepared to “cut them off;” let them go, hand them over, or flee from them while they tender for their lives— or risk being “cast into the everlasting fire” with them! 

The M.H. Commentary gave this advice, based on Mt. 18, “Part with what you cannot keep without being entangled by sin; that which grieves your soul! (1 Cor. 8:12.) Abandon all occasion for sin with abhorrence!  Think nothing [and no one] too dear to part with for the sake of your [eternal] soul— THAT IS HOW THE EVIL POWER OF THAT DEMON-CONTROLLED BELOVED IS BROKEN!” 

So, before we trace the steps of obedience to Christ, we have to count the possible cost for freedom in Him, believing that we will never be alone during this trial.  The Holy Spirit lives INSIDE all His sincerely obedient believers, as Jesus had promised, even “to the end of this world,” (Mt. 28:20; Acts 5:32!)  

 

FOLLOWING JESUS TO FREEDOM

Jesus Alone is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and no one comes to the salvation, blessing, deliverance, comfort, healing, and peace of the Father, except through Him!  Jesus’ Word is true under all circumstances.  Jesus Himself had promised, “Heaven and earth will pass away, but My Word will never pass away.”  Our Lord did not give us His Word to make life difficult, but so we can live a life of freedom in Him.  He did not speak in riddles either, but gave us clear-cut instructions to follow, so that we do not stray from His Way, and get lost in the ever deepening darkness of this world. 

Especially in dealing with sin, suffering, and abuse, His “lamp for our feet,” (the whole context of Scripture,) tells us exactly how we should do ‘unto others,’ and what we can expect others ‘to do unto us.’  All we need to remember is to stay prayerfully at Jesus’ feet.  He is the Good Sheppard.  If we are willing to follow Him all the way, He will always lead us to safety.      

Step 1 – let us deal with our own ‘hang-ups!’

We cannot deal with anyone’s sin and abuse against us, if we do not deal with ourselves first, (Mt. 7:5.)  Jesus said, if we are truly His disciples, we will [increasingly] know the truth; and that truth shall set us free!  Therefore, we should ask our Father to let His Holy Spirit reveal the truth about ourselves, our particular situations, and your abusers; and then let us seek God’s face to act accordingly.

Do not believe those abusive lies about yourself

A concerned mother caught her overweight, but talented 15 year old daughter crying in her pillow at night and sticking her finger in her throat after every meal.  She suddenly abhorred school and wanted to quit.  On further investigation it came to light that, after a discussion in history class, one of her pretty, popular classmates mockingly said, “You know what, old Daisy de Melker? [Daisy de Melker was a serial killer and the first woman to be executed in South Africa!] No one can ever love you because you have the ugliest legs on earth!”  No amount of reasoning could save this intelligent girl from quitting school soon afterward, and now, years later, she probably still lives with hang-ups about her looks.  The girl did not realize it then, but that was a demon speaking through her pretty classmate.  Yet this lovely, clever girl chose to believe his lies; allowing Satan to murder her sense of self, as well as her promising career. 

It is a sin to believe lies about ourselves.  None of us are so poor that we are worthless and unacceptable.  None of us are stupid, ugly, a ‘lesser’ being, unloved, etc.!  We should never allow anyone to demise our God-given place in society, or our looks, personhood, and who we are in Christ. 

If the hurtful criticism of our behavior is true; if we are really lazy or a busybody or whatever, we must ask God’s forgiveness and repent with all our heart.  But when Satan reviles our place in society; our looks, intelligence, character, and worth, that is tongue-murder. We must reject and disregard such malicious onslaughts on our humanity with all our might. 

God did not merely love the world – He SO loved the WHOLE world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that everyone who personally believe in Him, should not perish, but have eternal life!  We can and must believe that we are SO valuable and loved that Jesus our Lord suffered and died, and was risen from the dead especially for us!  May God help us to always remember that in His holy estimation, we are perfect just the way He made us!  By human standards, we might not be rich or clever enough; have the ‘prettiest’ noses or legs, but praise God; He will never leave us nor forsake us, while He supplies all our needs!  May God grant us by His grace to always be grateful for what we do have, and use all our God-given senses, talents, and everything He had entrusted to us to serve and glorify God, and no one else! 

Realize that you had been the victim! 

Some time ago, a woman desperately sought help for her ‘unreasonable jealousy’ over her husband.  She took full responsibility for destroying their marriage.  Her husband repeatedly told her that she was ‘sick,’ ‘demented,’ and if they were to divorce, everything would be her fault.  However, it turned out that her husband was a heavy drinker and a womanizing workaholic, who left at 5 in the morning and came home at 10 o’clock at night; working weekends and most public holidays as well.  Although he was a good provider, he left her to tend to the entire household alone, fend for herself and the kids, while still working at her own career. 

She was very relieved to hear that every relationship is a two-way street and cases where there is really only one culprit in a problematic marriage, are very rare.  Excessive jealousy has many roots; therefore the husband needed to join her for counseling.  Adultery destroys a marriage instantly, and apart from the husband’s personal problems, she was probably suffering from emotional neglect and exhaustion, humiliation, and rejection, (Mt. 19:4-10.) 

Although none of us are without sin, victims should never allow abusers to destroy them with false accusations and inescapable guilt.  It can never be true that ‘you like it’ or that it is ‘all your fault.’  Real abuse can never be the victim’s fault, (except for tolerating and thus allowing it to escalate and continue,) unless the victim is actually not the victim at all, but a clear-thinking, psychopathic dominator or dominatrix, [the dominant male or female partner in a sadomasochistic relationship,] disguised as the victim.  Such dominators act out disturbed and even life-threatening role reversals, which these incredibly troubled people play for sexual gratification and emotional control. 

Real victims never choose intolerable situations of entrapment; they never willfully escalate their own dreaded abuse, and spiritual and emotional imprisonment; (although abuse nearly always continues and escalates through the passivity of the victim.)  Neither do real victims intend to continue that misery to the end – whatever end that might be.  True victims always long for escape, a solution to the problem, and closure.  If Satan had not succeeded in pushing them into complete passivity, victims of abuse will always strive to end their sorrow and upheaval once and for all.  Therefore true victims of abuse will follow Jesus’ steps to freedom as far as possible. 

Real abusers, on the other hand, are never interested in ending their abuse or letting their victims go free.  They have no feelings of guilt.  [I.e., although really abusive husbands or wives might cry a river of tears when confronted by their crimes, their ‘remorse’ will be just another manipulative trick to regain control of their victims, get their own way, and continue with the abuse.]  As a result, true victims of abuse dare not treat abuse as ‘forgiven and forgotten’ until they have obeyed Jesus’ commandments as far as possible in dealing with their dangerous problem. 

Step 2 – Private rebuke is a Scriptural commandment

Jesus commanded in Mt. 18:15, “If your brother [seriously, unrepentantly, and/or repeatedly] sins against you, go, and tell him his fault between you and him alone…” 

I believe we should tread carefully if this step will endanger the physical safety of the victim, in which case this could to be done in public, (for instance, in a restaurant.)  But let the necessity of this step be more fully explained by Lev. 19:17-18, “You shall not hate your brother in your heart.  You shall surely rebuke your neighbor, [venting or expressing your anger and resentment,] and not bear sin because of him.  You shall not take [underhanded, spiteful] vengeance, nor bear any grudge… but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I Am the Lord.” 

Rebuke or confrontation is therefore love for our abusers, as well as for ourselves, as Jesus’ commandment to “rebuke” our abusers is a two-way guide post to rescuing and restoring both victim and abuser.  By “rebuking” our abusers, we are ministering to our own needs, as well as to the need of our offenders.  Our concern can never center merely on our own salvation, emotional and physical deliverance, and healing, because Jesus had commanded us to love even our enemies, or those who hate us.  Overlooking a pattern of abuse whereby the onslaught on our souls can, and most probably will reoccur, benefits neither our own emotional well-being, nor that of our abusers. 

As we have seen, Jesus had commanded us to overlook ‘minor’ or ‘unintended’ offenses which will not escalate into constant misuse and abuse, as forgiveness without dialogue probably will eliminate that problem, and support the relationship.  Suffering serious and/or continuous misuse and abuse, however, does not fit that criterion. 

Unrepentant abusers are already under the judgment of God; thus, our rebuke or confrontation blesses them

Jesus didn’t mean we have to feel heart-melting affection for our enemies; He meant we must simply do the right thing in obedience to His Word.  Confronting our abusers is obedience to the Moral Law of Love and a clear commandment of Jesus, and our obedience to His Word always glorifies God.  In the case of rebuke, our obedience to Jesus opens the way for Him to use us as His instruments of mercy, light, and love. 

Our abusers, as ‘stumbling-blocks,’ are already under the judgment of God, and, (if they are indeed believers,) in danger of losing their salvation, (Mt. 18:6.)  They need our help to surrender to the Lord and repent from their sin.  Thus rebuke, or confrontation God’s way, spells out our mercy, grace, and love for our enemies, and by confronting our abusers, we  actually bless them, as Jesus had commanded in Mt. 5:43-45. 

On the other hand, keeping quiet and ignoring the problem, thus avoiding confrontation, can never be a viable option.  In this gutless way, we choose to send our abusers merrily on their destructive path – which amounts to cruelty and hatred for our enemies!  Also, by suffering continuously without rebuking our abusers, (which constitutes disobedience to Jesus’ commandment,) we unnecessarily endanger our own well-being.  For sooner or later, anger and hatred will get hold of our souls, with dreadful consequences to our salvation in Christ. 

The Matthew Henry Commentary wrote, “If you have conceived displeasure at your brother [or anyone else] for any injury he has done you, do not suffer your resentments to ripen into secret malice like a wound, which is most dangerous when it bleeds inwardly, but give vent to them in admonition.  Do not go and rail against him BEHIND HIS BACK, [which is the crime of slander or crimen injuria,] but reprove, [rebuke, reprimand, or admonish] him.  Endeavour to make him sensible to the wrong he has done you through private rebuke between you and him alone.  If you can convince him, do not expose him, for that will make the reproof look like a revenge, (Prov. 25:8-9.)  If he listens, there is an end to the controversy, and it is a happy end, let no more be said of it.”  [If he does not listen, let us not despair; Jesus opened more avenues to follow.] 

The necessity of conviction, inaugurated by ‘rebuke’ 

Jesus never intended His Scriptural process of discipline as punishment, but as correction; therefore confrontation must always be from the sincere motive of restoration.  The Scriptural guidelines we have to follow are uncomplicated.  Dealing with unrepentant abusers, however, can be a difficult and time-consuming process. 

The Holy Spirit’s first work in the salvation and preservation of a soul is to “convict of sin, righteousness, and judgment,” (Jn. 16:8.) 

In order to confess their sin, sinners need to have remorse their sin, but real psychopaths lack conscience.  Unrepentant sinners, who do not open their hearts and minds to the conviction of the Holy Spirit, are ‘evolving’ into psychopaths – or maybe, they’ve always been psychopathic, growing worse over time.  Hence, James spelled out two most important requirements for restoring a broken relationship.  He built on the Moral Law of the Old Testament when he wrote, “Confess your trespasses to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed,” (5:16.) 

However, it is the age-old nature of lost humanity to kick all their dirt under the carpet.  They never mention their sins to God or to those they have trespassed against - just to pile more dirt underneath the relationship until one day, the whole shebang blows sky-high, resulting in divorce, broken friendships and destroyed families – even murder. 

In fact, God views unconfessed sin so seriously that He curses those who willfully continue in sin, as Prov. 28:13 declares, “He, who covers his sin will not prosper.  But whoever confesses and forsakes them, [or repent and do restitution,] will find mercy.” 

God wants us to live in His mercy and to share His mercy with others.  Telling our abusers exactly how they have been abusing us and to what extent we have suffered, is in fact showing them mercy to realize what they have done, in order to sincerely regret their sins.  (Remember, we are not yoking every ‘minor’ offense to this context, Mt. 18:21-35.)

We have to remember that a relationship is always a two-way street. 

It is a real miracle when an abuser, convicted by the Holy Spirit and thus out of his own free will, draws near to God and to his victim to seek absolution.  Usually, it is the victim who has to do his or her part as far as possible, and trust the Holy Spirit to ‘work together for good’ all the bad and hurtful things in order to redeem and restore His wounded child, as well as the abuser.

Step 3 – call in witnesses to bring conviction to that sinner

Jesus continued the confrontational process of dealing with an abuser by commanding, “But if he will not hear you, [or if he is not convicted of his sin,] take with you one or two more, that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.” 

Old King David was always quick to admit his guilt, confess his sin, and repent from his bad behavior, and God called him ‘a man after His own heart’ – until it came to the wife of Uriah the Hittite!  Usually, none of us are easily convicted of that sin, which we really choose to keep for ourselves.  And so it came to pass that, without any remorse, David committed adultery with Uriah’s wife, and even more horrendously, he then sent Uriah with his own death-warrant to Uriah’s commanding officer, ordering that Uriah be ambushed on the battlefield, and “be struck down and die…” 

However, King David’s callous sin of adultery and murder greatly displeased the Lord, and because David did not listen to the inward rebuke of the Holy Spirit, God sent Nathan to convict the king in order to restore conscience to him, and to lead him to repentance, (2 Sam. 11 & 12.) 

When we read how King David turned into a heartless adulterer and murderer, it becomes clear that, usually, we will have to drive the message home when it comes to convincing our abusers of their trespasses against us.  Dealing with the demonic and merciless sin of unrepentant abusers is a filthy job, but obedience to Christ is always worth the effort.  In this case, the rewards might be salvation or restoration for the abuser and freedom and healing for the victim. 

Consequently, Jesus commanded us to continue the disciplinary process, (if at all possible,) by calling in the help of one or two fellow believers, or people the abuser might respect.  We follow this step in the hope that abusers may be convicted by the fact that their victims no longer stand alone.  When abusers realize they cannot bully their victims in secret any longer, our united confrontation might shame them into conviction of sin. 

Repentance and restitution are God’s continual commandments

If hardened abusers do confess their sin under the conviction of two or more witnesses, praise God, we are beholding a true miracle!  We should still remember, however, that Jesus did not come to annul the Law, but to fulfill the Law in our place, (Mt. 5:17.)  We are certainly not saved because we are able to keep the Law.  Yet Jesus did command us to live by the precepts of the Moral Law – the only Law of the New Testament we are required to keep. 

The Moral Law demands that it is not enough to merely confess our sin; we also have to repent from sin – especially from abusive offenses against GOD;’ (sin committed against our neighbor is also sin against God, 1 Cor. 8:12.)  Repentance means, ‘to turn away from sin,’ or to stop sinning. 

Restitution means, ‘to make right what we have done wrong,’ or to restore what we have stolen, said, etc. 

Repentance, as well as restitution or restoration, is part of the Moral Law.  The Moral Law of Lev. 6:2-5 dictates the act of restoration, which pertains to sin that ‘grieved another’s soul.’ It commands, “If a person trespasses against the Lord by lying… spreading a false report… robbing and extorting… or swears falsely… [and any other moral sin!] then he shall restore what he has stolen… extorted… lost… or all that about which he has sworn falsely, [crimes of crimen injuria.]  He shall restore its full value, add one-fifth more to it, and give it to whomever it belongs…” 

Broken relationships can never be healed if abusers (and victims) continue with patterns of destructive behavior.  [I.e.: emotional and physical neglect must be turned around and replaced with constant attention and provision.  THAT IS RESTITUTION!  A victim’s passivity must be replaced with active obedience to the leading of the Holy Spirit according to the full context of the Word.  THAT IS RESTITUTION!  Assault must be replaced with care and protection.  THAT IS RESTITUTION! Verbal abuse must be replaced with comfort and encouragement.  Lies must be replaced with truth.  Adultery must be replaced with fidelity.  Slander must be replaced with circulating the truth, and so on.] 

Zacchaeus, the chief tax collector, met Jesus and invited Him into his home.  When the people accused Zacchaeus of still being a sinner, he responded restitutionally in true repentance, “Lord, I give half of my goods to the poor [whom I have oppressed;] and if I have taken anything from anyone BY FALSE ACCUSATION, [crimen injuria,] I restore fourfold.” 

Then Jesus declared him innocent, saying, “Today salvation has come to this house, because he also is a [believing] son Thus our obedience to have remorse for sin, to confess our sin, to repent from sin, and do restitution proves our faith in Christ, (Gal. 3:6-9.)  

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