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 Renette Vermeulen




 high conflict.jpg 

[Acknowledgement to the person who compiled and published this image]


The study of human behavior is the crux of this article; confirmed and guided by the never-changing, Scriptural Word of Jesus Christ


Narcissism ‘personality disorder’ is a deliberate choice, not mental illness that cannot be controlled by the person.  To strangers and those they choose to target, narcissists pretend to be perfect ‘gentlemen and ladies.’  They exert their abuse so slyly, systematically, and intentionally over time, the abused hardly ever recognize their bad behavior as abuse — apart from the deep, gut feeling that something is irreparably wrong somehow.  The real personality and agenda of narcissists remain hidden to outsiders, while they deceive and confuse their victims to such an extent, most abused people are never able to pinpoint what is wrong with these intelligent, ‘kind’ people, who can be so extremely nice, normal, and loving; yet, without any clear reason, can treat them so incredibly cruel.  Their victims do not realize they were deliberately chosen to become their secret possessions not spouses or partners, because they are empathetic optimists who believe there is good in all people, and they, (the empaths,) are strong, lovable, and enduring enough to supposedly “change” their abusers into morally ‘good’ people.  So, when empaths submit to narcissists, they unwittingly engage with them in lives of constant conflict.  Even when the abuse escalates out of control, empaths still do not understand that these abusers are totally without feeling and thus, they are unreachable, unteachable, and despite all human efforts, unchangeable, (Eph. 4:17-24.) 

Narcissists are not people who ‘merely’ think higher of themselves than they aught to.  Although they pretend otherwise, they totally lack morality, empathy, and conscience.  Secretly, they go to all extremes to create constant chaos and destruction, as they live to “feed” their insatiable greed and need for power, dominance, extreme excitement, attention, interaction, (either negative or positive,) and admiration.  So, very cunningly, they do anything immoral and illegal to get their own way to puff their inflated egos, which can never be satisfied.  Boundaries do not exist for them, and they turn everything dirty, unacceptable, and corrupt into secret power games to disregard all responsibility, honesty, and accountability.  They adhere to only one belief: they have the absolute ‘right’ to arrogantly and aggressively do as they please without considering their victims or the lawful and moral implications of their actions. 


Psychologists differentiate between certain ‘degrees’ of narcissism; making some less dangerous than others, and they call some “overt” and other “covert” narcissists.   However, in my experience with them, I found that narcissism consists of a caustic combination of both grandiose and secret obliteration; depending on how they choose to adapt themselves to the situations they create to torture the abused.  They also willfully manifest various personalities to fit different situations.  They are so-called “passive” as well as active aggressive dangers, who know exactly how they should behave, because they perfectly mimic all kinds of morality whenever it suits them to deceive, manipulate, capture, and extend their control over their victims.  As they exploit both negative and positive attention to ‘feed’ their grossly inflated egos, they place themselves beyond reach and help.  So, they never change but grow worse over time.   

¨ The  psychologist Eric Fromm  named such people “grandiose sadistic psychopaths.” 

¨ To this description, we can add extreme secrecy and evil genius when and as it suits them.  Narcissism also manifests itself in hyper sexuality through a lifetime of lies, serial adultery, fornication, child molestation, alcoholism, drug addiction, the ruining of property and finances, rage and other violence, etcetera; all combined in the same individual.   Add to that the secretive and obvious spiritual, emotional, and physical damage they do to their victims, which stem from sadism, (or the deriving of acute pleasure from the suffering they inflect,) and you have pure evil. 

¨ Eric Fromm also described this type of ‘disorder’ as “malignant narcissism, [as in progressive, aggressive cancer;] representing the quintessence of evil.  It is the most severe pathology and the root of the most vicious destructiveness and inhumanity.”  In other words, a narcissist is one of the most dangerous individuals that walk the earth.  And to my great dismay, I had to recently learn I have nearly fifty years’ experience on sharing my life with a whole clan of them.  It is truly inconceivable that man, who was created in the image of God, can become so thoroughly perverted and inherently evil.  However, knowledge of the menace of narcissistic abuse helped me to eventually step out into the light of truth about narcissists, myself, my situation, and above all, the Truth of God’s Word concerning all of this.  It is just as Jesus aid, “You shall know the truth [about everything concerning you,] and the truth will set you free.” 


The following is a shortlist of narcissistic abuse to identify these assailants, and to get free from them on a spiritual and psychological level — and if possible, physically as well.  Unless we understand and face the facts about what
God’s Word really says about dealing with abusers; unless we acquire knowledge about
who we are actually dealing with; how we were ‘addicted’ to them and why, and what we must do to take control of our emotions and lives, we will always be their punching bags.  This is not about changing or saving narcissists; we can only change ourselves.  Hence, God did not call us to change people or save people — which is impossible without their consent and submission to Him.  Jesus commissioned us to preach His Scriptural Truth and to ‘agape’ or “love” people in deed and truth, while they must work with us toward growing emotionally and glorifying God in the  process.  Thus, this article is about the realization that the abused must overcome abuse because our lives, and especially our eternal lives, are our personal responsibility.  Abusers have been destroying us on all levels of life.  Of course we must pray, but because Jesus does not force anyone to accept and follow Him, only obedience to the “whole” truth of His Word and the situation can save us from their clutches.   

¨ Stop seeing abuse as love and care; narcissists are unscrupulous sadists that deliberately harm and humiliate you to trauma-bond you to them.  That means they abuse you openly, secretly, and on a multilevel until you ‘love’ and defend them; believing you cannot live without them, and are totally dependant upon them. 

¨ Stop believing you can talk sense to them and change them; they are expert blame shifters that intentionally pull you into arguments to open yourself to their provocation, disrespect, and violence, while they mirror their filth unto you.  All kinds of attention feed their ‘magnificence’ and strengthen their power, and overt and covert dominance over you.  

¨ Stop hoping they will come to their senses; they choose to be immoral, empty shells filled with self-importance. 

¨ Stop trusting them and giving them chances; they distort truth and misrepresent reality, and so define the way you think and perceive them, other people, yourself, life in general, and even God and His Word. 

¨ Stop living in denial and face the facts; Jesus said you will know them by their [unrepentant] fruit, not their promises

¨ Stop forgiving or overlooking their unrepented crimes; to them, your constant forgiveness translates into a licence to sin 

¨ Stop wondering why narcissists never defend you against danger or the victimisation of others; they are inherent cowards who only regard and defend themselves.  That is why they are the biggest schoolyard bullies alive. 

¨ Stop saying they are  “good;”  they are skilled pretenders with double characters that lead evil, double lives. The destroyer that makes you suffer is the real person.  Narcissists seek deceived adversaries who think they are their ‘loving companions.’  They create chaos and feed off constant control to systematically wear all so-called ‘opposition’ down.  Seeing their victims desperately suffer under their oppression is their all-time high. 

¨ Stop thinking they feel sorry for you; they have no conviction of sin and do not feel remorse or empathy.

¨ Stop believing the “abuse never happened;” they expertly alternate between care and abuse to hoodwink you. 

¨ Stop believing “you are so crazy you assault, provoke, cheat, hurt, and taunt, [aggressively make fun of] yourself;” everything they do is very real and intentional. 

¨ Stop the guilt and sympathy; they play on your feelings with sob stories while they carefully targeted you and calculate every move against you. 

¨ Stop hiding the shame they caused and shifted unto you; they brainwashed you to cover their destruction. 

¨ Stop believing you are guilty and unfair when you set boundaries; they choose to keep you in a matrix of confusion and deception.  And don’t think they will honor any boundaries, they do exactly as they please. 

¨ Stop believing you are mean, selfish, silly, or jealous; they assume entitlement or the right to molest children, fornicate, adulterate, violate, ravage, deceive, steal, etcetera, and lead double lives “just because they can.” 

¨ Stop believing you are the crazy one; they confuse you by distorting truth, and misplacing and moving your stuff

¨ Stop blaming other people for what happened; they are clever saboteurs that make you overlook their infidelity and inconceivable, underhanded destruction to create enmity between you and them

¨ Stop thinking your are mad to feel trapped;  they always inspect and control your whole life to keep you hostage.

¨ Stop believing you are alone; they deliberately and systematically isolate you from all support systems. 

¨ Stop repeating yourself; it’s a cruel mind game to disrespect and invalidate you, and provoke you to anger. 

¨ Stop trying to explain; they’re not deaf or retarded but vampirously feed off your hopelessness and frustration. 

¨ Stop believing their false accusations and think you are confused and stupid because you cannot understand what they are doing to you; they are stealthy masterminds that have possessed you to reflect their shame unto you

¨ Stop expecting them to confess their sin and tell you the truth; they are habitual liars and crafty puppeteers that sadistically torture and humiliate their victims as a never-ending game to amuse and puff themselves. 

¨ Stop confronting them in search of sanity, morality, and closure; you are playing into their hands to harm you.  You cannot communicate with a genius who uses false and distorted reasoning, projection, and blame shifting, to push you into his boxing ring to knock the living daylights out of you.  They are “high conflict” pervertors who use everything you say against you.  Whatever you say about their behavior, is what they will make you into openly and to everyone else covertly behind your back. 

¨ Stop accepting their clever excuses, illogic explanations, and empty promises; they choose to remain guilty as they will never change.  They have no intention to accept responsibility, honor their word, atone, or do good. 

¨ Stop thinking there is something wrong with you as they supposedly cannot smell stench or taste bad food; they have desensitized themselves to consume everything dirty and commit every indecent act.

¨ Stop thinking you are haunted by ‘other’ people; they derive their ‘sixth-sense’ and other abilities from demons.

¨ Stop thinking you can discover a means to win against them.  By disengaging and going “grey rock” or completely emotionless toward them as far as possible, you are separating yourself from their provocation and control.  This is the only way to deprive them of their mad so-called greed of ‘power, vitality, and vigour.’ 

¨ Stop being helpless and hopeless; Jesus suffered, died, and was resurrected to set you free.  This is what He is doing right now by “renewing your mind” with the truth of the physically indissolvable situation in which you find yourself, (Rom. 12:1-3.)  Understanding what they have methodically done to you, is the beginning of freedom from them. 




There are uninformed people who minimize and even nullify the suffering of narcissistic abuse by saying narcissism merely exists in bouts of superficial, selfish behavior.  It is allegedly not the dangerous personality disorder that psychologists define it to be.  Others ‘soften’ the secret crimes of narcissists by alleging that they are not responsible for their actions because they ‘inherited’ this ‘incurable illness,’ and cannot help themselves.  Well, it is certain that no one can control a real disease, and narcissists are in complete control of their emotions, decisions, and actions when they choose to be

If something outright demonic such as the non-stop torture and secret corruption of narcissists enter the scene, marriage and family ties to such perverted people become impossible.  Narcissism is a common yet deadly “personality disorder” where ‘composed,’ ‘caring,’ ‘pleasant,’ ‘tender-hearted,’ ‘helpful,’ ‘loving’ masterminds of both genders, often described as “gentlemen and ladies,” choose to exert ultimate domination over their trusting victims. 

Either grandiosely, (overtly, flamboyantly, or openly,) or covertly, (secretly and underhandedly,) or in combination of both as I experienced, narcissists distort the truth and context of situations to undermine their victims psychologically and physically to dismantle their lives.  Behind their perfect pretences and flawless façade of nicety hides a disturbed, arrogant, entitled, dangerous being.  Even worse, they effortlessly pretend religiosity, and can put up holy faces that shame the angels.  But “do what thou willst” is the whole of their law, just as in all other forms of Satanism

When you interact with a narcissist, you are facing off with the brilliance of Satan.  He outwardly pretends to be the ‘good’ angel but inwardly, he is driven by everything false and evil.  Because narcissists lack ethics and moral conscience, they believe they have the right to do to others exactly as they please, as often as they want, and for as long as they choose.  Thus, they never do anything good without the intention of using it for bad and to glorify themselves.  They are incapable of sincerity and fidelity, and they never speak the truth about anything except to destroy trust and relationships.  Narcissists usually pretend selflessness and humility, but they will never ask forgiveness except to fool people.  Their lives are networks of secret agendas and dirty deeds to incarcerate the unwary in their toxicity. 

Many people testify they have been under the deliberate, escalating intimidation of narcissistic abuse for nearly all their lives, because this is not a death-trap narcissists allow them to escape from.  Although the abused sincerely and wholeheartedly marry, love, and honestly try to help their deeply troubled “loved ones,” they must realize they will always remain mere conveniences and utensils to themNarcissists live to exploit all vulnerabilities, goodness, and innocence.  The more they can flatten and trample their unsuspecting victims, the more powerful they think they become. 

Narcissism is incurable because these severely disturbed people choose to never learn from their mistakes.  Thus, they never change.  They deny all responsibility and accountability because they adore themselves for ruling their victims as “gods,” not merely as deliberately destructive human beings.  Although narcissists easily pretend to be “His saved children,” their premeditated, unrepentant bad behavior glorifies and magnifies them to such and extent that they place themselves beyond all guilt, reason, and reach.  In Eph. 4:18-24, Paul described such abusers as follows, “[Although they pretend otherwise,] they walk in the futility of their minds, [which result in] having their understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God because of their ignorance [concerning the immoral state they occupy,] and the blindness of their hearts.  They [have grieved the conviction of the Holy Spirit for so long, Jn. 16:8-12,] they are past feeling, having given themselves over to lewdness, [dirt and immorality,] to work all uncleanness with greediness.” 

The insatiable greed of narcissists for more and more power and control manifests in the multilevel torture of their victims.  This never stops as they are so “past feeling,” they have absolutely no remorse for their sins or empathy for their victims.  So, they became incapable of sincerity, truth, regret, sympathy, or any other form of morality. 

What’s more, the greed that results from being “past feeling,” manifests in the terrible immorality of the vindictive   destruction of life and property, cruelty to people and animals, child molestation, serial adultery, fornication, alcoholism, drug and gambling addiction, and no amount of money, power, control, or anything else can ever be enough for them.  They always swallow everything and especially other people whole.  Prov. 30:15 explains this self-serving greed as follows, “The leech [or harlot] has two daughters, Give and Give… [for nothing and nobody else will ever] be enough!” 

Multilevel endangerment and endless torture summarize the lives of the victims of narcissists.  The secret lives of narcissists are based on disgrace, deception, blame-shifting, projection, and false accusation.  Some said, “Whatever you say they do and are, is exactly what you will become when they open their mouths.”  Their double lives are so extensive it is impossible to determine any boundaries in the lives of these evil geniuses.  What’s more, the healthy boundaries their victims set for them are merely more challenges to flatten the resistance of their victims. 


Sincere disciples of Jesus Christ will always strive to live by the Truth of His Word and in obedience to His Moral Law.  So, according to His Word, they usually confront, plead, bargain, submit, withstand, fight, and forgive a “million” times through the years; always in the hope that God can change anyone, and that the abuse will end sooner or later. Sadly, that is uninformed, foolish faith. Their efforts to overcome and resolve the abuse is exactly what narcissists want. 

Victims of narcissism hardly ever suspect they are merely an abundant “supply” of attention that feeds the self-perceived ‘invincibleness and magnificence’ of these demoniacs.  To deceive and control, narcissists will even grovel and cry a river of tears when there is no other outcome, but their “regret” and promises always turn up empty. 

Narcissistic abuse is on a multilevel because they are out to destroy their victims emotionally and physically.  They especially target the spiritual lives of their victims as their nonstop torture is designed to push their victims into a desperate, faithless state far away from God.  So don’t be surprised to find that while you were praying for them in church, they were watching porn and indulging in orgies in your home – which they will deny until That Day when Jesus returns! 

Narcissists are not ‘ordinary’ hapless criminals.  Powered by strong demons, it seems they have a “sixth sense” that protect them, help them hide their sin, and make them remain in control of situations. They don’t have to learn their extremely complicated and underhanded behaviors.  The demons that indwell them empower and lead them

Thus, it is not unusual that victims are harassed by demons keeping them awake at night, etcetera.  It often ceases when they please their abusers and manifest in various ways when they displease them.  Victims do not recognize this until God revels it to them.  They usually think the weird things they experience are coincidence or done by ‘other’ people who hate them.  But although narcissists might even pretend to be born again believers, they are actually secret Satanists that use demons to do their dirty work and attack their victims from the spirit world as well. 


Narcissists take on the character that suits the situation while cleverly demonizing their victims so that they can hide behind their so-called own “innocence” and “suffering.”  Pretence, arrogance, blame shifting, lies, shaming, gaslighting or cruel mind games, manipulation, and violence are their shadows.  By blending these nuances of narcissism into a state of utter confusion, they brainwash their victims to see abuse as love and violence as care.  In this way, they distort truth to define the ‘reality’ of their victims. Their perverted reality is what they want their victims to believe.   

So, outsiders and even their victims hardly ever see them for what they really are because narcissists have perfected their game of “catch me if you can.”  Disrespecting and invalidating their victims as human, they destroy their victims’ emotions and lives as part of their hilarious game.  To constantly puff themselves, they smugly make it their mission to secretly cheat, confuse, and coerce their victims. (Coercion is to intimidate victims to obey their will.)  The more confusion and chaos they commit, the more majestic they feel.  They become ecstatic when they can, mostly secretly but also in public if they so choose, inflict pain and humiliation on their victims to watch them suffer.  It is inconceivable but true that they view their devastation on the souls, personhood, names, and lives of their victims as private entertainment and self-empowerment.  They vampirize or feed off the suffering and desperate reaction of their victims.  Both negative and positive reaction to their abuse stimulate their self-worship and increase their underhanded acts of destruction. 


Narcissists study their chosen victims beforehand to exploit vulnerabilities and opportunities such as the added ‘advantage’ of also getting to the other members of the families, before they ensnare them with their initial “niceness.”  Narcissists speak the language of their victims fluently.  To arouse the empathy and loyalty of their victims, narcissists act the perfect victims to get real victims to identify with them.  And they can be tender best friends, companions, and lovers.  Narcissists know how to fulfil their victims’ specific desires and especially their need of understanding and support.  Wherever they see intelligence, potential, innocence, and beauty, they will strike.  They are so clever and manipulative that, especially in the beginning, their victims cannot recognize their exploitation and crimes such as conning, cheating, and adultery as abuse.  Duped by tearful apologies, lame excuses, and empty promises, victims easily discard such narcissist scams to get to their souls, lives, and money.  And most dangerously, victims also overlook initial outbursts of narcissistic rage as precursors to a lifetime of suffering and endangerment with them. 


(Continue to What the Abused can do)