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THE DREADFUL SIN OF SO-CALLED ‘PASSIVE’-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR IS COVERT NARCISSISM
Was the so-called ‘passive’ (or secret-aggressive) King Ahab of the Bible ruled by the alleged misandry of the “male-controlling seductress” Jezebel? This popular story is an extremely false, misogynist, [hatred for women,] dogma, based on the brutal distortion of their characters, (1 Kings chapters 16-19.) All four chapters in the book of 1 Kings that refer to King Ahab, describe how actively and most aggressively he controlled everyone. There was nothing “passive” about Ahab. He was the king who, even before he married the pagan princess Jezebel, “did more evil than all the kings before him,” (1 Kings 16:30.) Yet, in total contrast to Scriptural truth, this extremely false dogma became the ‘excuse’ of so-called “passive” men, who allegedly married “strong character Jezebels,” to remain backhanded wimps. Though this description of Jezebel is meant as an insult and the demonization of decent women, a ‘strong character’ comes from God and can only be forged by obedience to Him through trials and tribulation. So, it is appalling that so-called ‘passivists’ turn that precious gift into sin! To show how serious this fallacy is, “the spirit of Jezebel,” (a spiritual ‘woman’ or allegory such as “the bride of Christ” or “the ten virgins,”) is only mentioned once in the New Testament. There, it refers to false teachers of both genders, who tolerate false prophecy, teach deceptions, seduce believers to commit sexual immorality, and [do] “sacrifices to idols,” (Rev. 2:20-23.)
Though the truth of Scripture totally debunks this heresy about King Ahab and Jezebel, it is good to understand how real so-called “passivism” or rather, secret aggression affect our lives. The so-called character trait of “passivity” is not just secret cowardice. It is self-styled, backhanded aggression that manifests in disinterest, disrespect, and psychopathic control through the silent treatment. The two opposites of “passive” and “aggression’ are impossible to combine — except in the psychosis of covert narcissism, which contains the secret, immoral part of their double lives. ‘Passivity’ is a no-care, deliberate discard of God’s Scriptural requirements to coerce unsuspecting people and deflect situations without lifting a finger, or drawing negative attention by standing up for good. But no one can escape their responsibilities and walk away unharmed. Such transgressions of God’s commandment to “love” or actively agape Him above all, and our neighbors as ourselves, are without excuse, as God put His Moral Law in “every human heart and mind,” (Heb. 10:16.) This too, is not a mental illness. As all other forms of narcissism, ‘passive’ narcissists know exactly what they are doing.
True ‘passivity’ does not exist, because proactiveness, (to prepare for or intervene in a situation to initiate change, rather than abusively reacting to events or falling into secret aggression,) comes from God as survival instinct. For instance, fight, flight, assistance to others, and disengaging from danger after obeying the Moral Law as far as possible, are Godly, normal responses (not hasty reactions) to deception, calamity, etcetera, (Mt. 18:15-20.)
This does not mean we should also take up the spirit of narcissism to maliciously interfere with people and go over to the dark side to physically fight, (unless our lives are in danger,) instead of “withstanding” evil by being ‘consciously aware,’ “vigilant,” and “careful how we hear,” to obey Jesus and defend ourselves against these secret saboteurs, (Jam. 4:7-8; Lu. 8:18.) When true believers speak responsively, it must be to shine His Light or Truth, and be His preserving, purifying ‘salt on the earth.’ So, we must speak for those who cannot speak for themselves, (animals too,) and so on. Remember Jesus’ parable of the Good Samaritan? Our God also commanded, “Defend the poor and fatherless. Do justice to the afflicted and needy. Deliver the... suffering, [as far as it depends on you and as the Holy Spirit leads,]” (Ps. 82:3-6.) Paul took active obedience to Jesus into the spiritual realm when he commanded, “Preach the Word in and out of season, reprove, rebuke, exhort with longsuffering… [These are all actions, as we take no delight in people perishing through a lack of knowledge, lies, deceit, and other forms of abuse,]” (2 Tim. 4:2-3.)
Ignoring and neglecting these decrees of God’s Moral Law is an abomination. Yet, such disobedience is the delight of “passive” or secret-aggressive so-called ‘believers.’ God states in Heb. 10:38, “My righteous one shall live by faith, and if he shrinks back, [in passivity,] My soul has no pleasure in him.” Lev. 5:1, “If a person… hears… or knows… about a [serious, unresolved] matter, if he does not tell it, [according to God’s commandments in Eph. 5:11; Mt. 18:15-20; Jam. 5:16,] he bears guilt.” Rom. 1:32, “[Those who reject God’s Morality] deserve death… [And so do those] who [‘passively’] give their approval of [sin.]” To so-called ‘passive’-aggressive abuses turned so-called ‘pastors,’ for instance, these commandments to obey God’s Moral Law contain too many verbs or actions. Being fearful, lazy, and parasitic by nature, they always shirk their responsibilities and care nothing about the souls and lives of other people, who are mere “utensils” to them. Hence, they trauma-bond and treason-bond people to them though their underhanded lies, false promises, rejection, subtle delegation, composed laziness, disinterest, and false accusations, because the uninformed hope they will get real affection or concern from them if they just regard them enough.
Supposed ‘passivists’ also combine many other techniques to keep up the pretence of ‘passivity.’ These stingers so cleverly deny people attention and interest, they deviously make them believe it is a ‘great breakthrough and accomplishment’ when they finally get the faintest reaction from them. So, people confuse “passivity” with ‘meekness and goodness,’ (“see, hear, and speak no evil,”) because their aloofness makes these assailants seem ‘quiet, dignified, and decent,’ while their deception is rooted in hatred, jealousy, severe aggression, and the covert control of naive people.
Their ‘mysteriousness’ is a viper’s pit of dirty desires; thriving on anger to hurt, humiliate, and manipulate the unwary.
‘Passive’-aggressive abusers are brilliant, clandestine dominators and deadly emotional assassins. The supposedly ‘peaceful’ part of their character is a charade to hide their lack of empathy for everyone but themselves. Their narcissistic personality disorder is typified by their lack of morality and conscience, and their sadistic need for idolization.
They focus people’s attention on their suffering as the cause of their aloofness, but aim at looking superior and special. They feed off the misplaced empathy, ‘respect,’ and ‘admiration’ of their victims. These abusers give the impression they do not want to ‘offend’ anyone and make them think they are ‘harsh’ or ‘overbearing.’ Yet, under the pretense of ‘passivity,’ they deliberately allow, and stealthily bring deception and suffering over people to get their attention, because people believe they can help or change “underdogs,” who are supposedly ‘soft-natured’ and oppressed. However, these so-called ‘meek’ aggressors are great deceivers with malignant agendas. They brilliantly choose the road of least resistance to influence others to follow them into their so-called ‘passivity,’ where they make them their willing ‘subjects’ without them knowing what is happening to them. This is the proverbial sneaky snake in motion through their mastery of deception and their secret control of the sentiments of ‘good’ people.
May God give His believers discernment to “flee” from these super-secret “lovers of themselves,” who “creep [undetected] into households to make captives [of empathetic people…] who always learn and never come to the knowledge of the truth… They [succeed so readily as they] have a form of godliness, but deny the power thereof, [through their selfish, self-adoring behavior.] Turn away from such people,” Paul soberly commanded. They will steal your lives and souls without you ever realizing how and when they did all that to you, (2 Tim. 3:1-9.)
VICTIMS’ HATRED FOR PASSIVE PROTECTORS
Legitimate Blame Versus Undeserved Hatred for Perceived Passive Protectors
It is particularly devastating, for instance, for children to have a so-called ‘good’ father or mother, who constantly neglects to defend them against molesting and other people. Especially when someone, who is perceived as a protector, knowing the truth, ignores the abuse and even defends the abuser – and so, actively share in the sin of the abuser! Thus, victims from an accountable age, who could distinguish morality from immorality, usually forgive the active abuser more readily than the ‘passive’ or uninterested person, whom they picked as their physical, emotional, or spiritual ‘protector,’ but who, both in reality and according to the victim’s own perception, abandoned and betrayed them in their need.
¨ Here, we must make a distinction between real ‘passive’ protectors and the undeserved hated for supposed protectors, who really did not know about the abuse. We must understand that one cannot be a protector if one is oblivious to the abuse; if one never suspected the abuse in the least; never saw the abuse, and most despicably, was never told about the abuse. We must realize that most abuses are perpetrated in secret and covered by coercion and shame.
For instance, in-laws usually underhandedly bully the daughter-in-law while feigning friendliness in company. Abusing parents hit and harm their children when no one is looking. Adultery, incest, and child molestation are committed out of sight. Yet, these filthy ‘secrets’ are also daringly committed right under the noses of unsuspecting spouses or parents, who never knew about the ‘quick little sex game’ that was played under the table during dinner, and in the bathrooms and bedrooms of their homes. Deep down, the parents or spouses of such abusers might have suspected fornication of some kind, but to find hard evidence is another matter. To expect that adulterers and child molesters, (as any other abusers,) would willingly confess their criminal offenses, is to believe the impossible! Because all serial abusers are extremely cunning, they always go to great lengths to conceal their crimes — although, in company, (just for the thrill of it,) they might flirt and ‘play’ daringly with their victims without anyone else taking notice of it.
¨ On the other hand, ‘legitimate’ or ‘deserved’ blame for ‘passive’ or uninterested protectors, who did know all about it, yet never spoke a word to protect the victims, is understandable. For instance, a supposedly ‘good’ but shaming granny [scroll down on the Webpage,] placed her finger over her grandchild’s lips and whispered, “Never say such things!” when the nine-year old girl told her, “Daddy touches me there...”
This demented granny deserves all the blame her grandchild can muster. She actually “partnered” with that criminal according to God’s Word, and should be behind bars, (Lev. 5:1-5; Prov. 29:24-25.) Yet, in this case, the kid clearly suffered from Stockholm syndrome. She grew up without moral conscience to become a sick nymphomaniac, kleptomaniac, perpetual liar, and extremely destructive, ‘passive’ aggressive abuser, who adores her ‘wonderful’ granny!
ABUSE IS SEATED IN UNREPENTANCE
While we always hope that all people will repent and be saved in Christ, we must remain realistic where hardened sinners are concerned. Most abusers have been committing their crimes for so long, like the unrepentant Esau, they will never be able to turn and do God’s will. Apart from having no moral conscience, their biggest fear is that their helpers and supporters will condemn and reject them when they tell them the truth and reveal who they really are. Both active and so-called ‘passive’ aggressive abusers of all kinds are brazen idolaters. Their minds are firmly set on continuing their murderous acts of witchcraft against the defenseless, because they sadistically derive intense pleasure from their inhumane cruelty, called “narcissistic feed.” [In Biblical terms, all those who remain stubbornly disobedient to God’s Moral commandments commit idolatry and witchcraft to feed themselves with the pleasures of sin,] — 1 Sam. 15:22-26.]
As a result, it is foolish to believe that abusers will ‘miraculously change’ without fully and sincerely surrendering to Jesus. No one can deliver themselves from sin; especially not from sinful character traits, which they have been performing to perfection over a whole lifetime, (Rom. 3:9-31; 2 Pt. 2:14.) For instance, even if alcoholics decide to ‘quit’ the booze, once sober, these people, still set in sin, will be exactly the same criminals who cunningly exploited everyone; constantly lied about everything, and shouted and swore at everyone when they could not get their own way. That’s why ‘difficult’ people, who never truly accept and follow Jesus, will only grow worse over time, as their appalling nature and behavior also keep on maturing.
Scripturally, not even God, Who can do anything, changes headstrong sinners without their consent and active participation. Hence, the abused only have the power to change themselves, and to set boundaries for themselves not to engage with destroyers and share in their sin, as unrepentant abusers will never respect any commitments or boundaries. Therefore, to escape the dreadful condition of abuse, damaged people need to realize that to contain abuse, they need much more than a shoulder to cry on, the empty promises of abusers, and their own meaningless threats. When confronted by unrepentant abusers, they need to implement drastic, personal character and lifestyle changes, as cough drops cannot cure lung cancer. Someone wisely said, “God changes our circumstances by changing us.” If victims fail to “withstand the devil” steadfastly, (and realize that engaging with dangerous people is facing off with Satan,) they will be dragged into an abyss of filth and crimes against humanity that normal people cannot even begin to imagine. As all other types of sin, abuse always begets more abuse “when good people do nothing.” As we see in this study, Jesus gave us clear Scriptural directives to deal with such power-mad individuals by also dealing with ourselves.
However, not all victims of abuse are able to follow all Jesus’ commandments to deal with abusers. We are not equally strong, either physically or emotionally. Nor do we all face circumstances that favor our escape. For instance, children, teenagers, and even adults with absolutely nowhere to go, cannot flee abuse and are, therefore, forced to live under oppression. This does not mean that victims should keep on submitting to abuse or give their consent to abusers by hiding and keeping quiet because they are too afraid and ashamed to speak out. Unbelievably, most church leaders, failing to comply to Jesus’ commandments concerning abuse, send battered women back to “submit to their husbands,” etcetera, (Mt. 18:15-20; 19:8-9.) Yet, there are cases where captured children, who were completely deprived of a life outside their prison, finally got the chance to escape by running to the neighbors for help. Often, even children at barely an accountable age are able to elude sexual and other predators — those in authority like parents and teachers as well. When confronted with sexual abuse, they ran away, screamed, or spoke to people who were able to help them.
Yet, humanity submits so readily to abuse. Victims often fail to run away from abusers, even if flight is possible. On the other hand, we must not lose sight of how stealthily abusers condition the abused to fall into their traps. Often, they will first “love bomb” them, “groom them,” or overwhelm them with attention before they begin to gradually reveal their ugly faces and vulgar hands. So, even if the opportunity to escape presents itself, many victims choose to stay because they were trauma and treason bonded to their abusers and became dependent on their so-called “attention, love and care.”
Sadly, millions of clear-thinking victims who did get away, spend their lives in humiliation, anger, and fear without realizing that Jesus does not condone either the abuse, or the victim’s ‘passive’ acceptance of the abuse, (Mt. 18:15-20.) God works in miraculous ways to help and protect the innocent, but the old saying, “God helps those who are willing to help themselves,” remains true. This means, we must do the possible in the leading of the Spirit and according to His Word, and God will do the impossible. God will probably never restrain that abuser until the victim flees, speaks out against the abuse, or follows Jesus’ commandments to deal with that demoniac as far as possible, (Eph. 5:11-13.)
Nevertheless, most people fold under oppression and fall into temptation to sin by holding on to anger, guilt, and unforgiveness, instead of dealing actively with the problem as far as it depends on them. In this way, the abused themselves put the “temple of the Holy Spirit,” (their human spirits, souls or minds, and physical bodies, 1 Ths. 5:23,) in danger by allowing psychopaths to wreak havoc on them. Either ignorantly or deliberately, they disregard Jesus’ commands to “take heed unto themselves not to be deceived.” We can be deceived as soon as we accept the lie like Eve did in the garden. The Word also cautions us to be “vigilant” in obeying the truth of Scripture - which is our protection against the schemes of the devil. Knowing or unknowingly, the abused often suffer complainingly but willingly, believing this “inescapable” ‘hell on earth’ is either God’s punishment, or His “will” for them! (Read Mt. 18:15-17.)
In fact, the dreadful cycle of abuse can never be broken unless either the abuser or the victim, (hopefully both) repent from their abusive habits, or from the sinful tendency to ‘passively’ allow abuse.
Abuse is always an escalating process
Once abuse takes hold of a victim’s life, it never stops with just a few misdemeanors. If a girl or guy is in debt before the marriage, they will bankrupt their spouses once the honeymoon is over. (I always advise those who are to be wed to first do a credit check on their intended spouses, as they marry the whole person and all liabilities.) If a man lifts a hand against his girlfriend, he will thrash her once they are married. If a guy or girl flirts with the opposite sex, (and especially when the fiancée is present,) they will be a womanizing or nymphomaniac adulterer or adulteress throughout their married life, unless they truly accept and follow Jesus, and really repent from fornication and adultery. If they drink too much alcohol during dating, they will abuse alcohol later on in marriage, etcetera.
Abuse is always an escalating process, which, in the end, produces paralyzing fear, numbness of mind, much confusion, tremendous hopelessness, and multilevel entrapment. All forms of abuse will eventually oppress the abused psychologically, physically, and hinder healthy communication with God and other people.
Ultimately, abuse will control the souls (or minds) of victims with the sickening symptoms of depression, paranoia, confusion — and attack the bodies of victim with disease. Hypertension, Migraine, Arthritis, Diabetes, Stomach Ulcers, Heart conditions, and Asthma are such stress-related illnesses. Once Satan has accomplished submission to chronic abuse, he entombs the abused alive in smothering coffins, from which they rarely escape. In this place of utter desperation and desolation, victims of abuse usually forfeit their will to fight, flee, or live. Suicide then seemingly becomes the only option to solve the situation. This, of course, is never the case, as suicide has eternal consequences, (1 Jn. 3:15.)
Inherited and learned patterns of abuse
Sinful patterns of abuse, abusive mindsets, and evil slogans and catchphrases easily latch on to victims and bystanders, slowly turning everyone involved into abusers themselves if they're not careful. The spiritual and emotional sickness of abuse is highly contagious. Thus, all of humanity sinfully abuses someone or something sometime.
For instance, in strict patriarch societies, children are ruled not raised, and usually, excessive beating (or actually assault) is the only form of discipline those parents know. As a result, a husband raised in a patriarch home might supposedly ‘love’ his wife, but cling to his inherited misogynist view that all women are subjected to all men, just because they are female. And so, the husband might claim so-called ‘male privileges’ such as the constant sin of adultery while demanding the slavish submission of his wife, and in fact, the mindless submission of all other women as well.
Similarly, many, if not all societies raise their children to believe that animals do not feel pain, fear, loneliness, or hunger, and assume such power over these defenseless creatures as to cruelly beat, starve, chain, and crowd them into pens without water, food, or protection from the heat or cold. Yet, God created animals so that Adam could take care of them, not abuse them, (Gen. 1:30-31; 2:15, 19-20.) Shockingly, many men view women in the same way; saying it is their ‘divine right’ to abusively ‘rule’ over them, while husbands must cherish their wives as they care for their own bodies.
Without condoning or lessening the power of learned patterns of abuse, we can say that our own deliberate disobedience to God’s Moral-Law commandments is the catalyst, which separates willful abusers from unintentional offenders. This means, we were (or are) all abusers in some way, but as soon as we are enlightened to the fact, we must repent and turn to God for forgiveness and the renewal of our minds to “know” and obey His will, (1 Jn. 1:8-10; Rom. 12:1-3.) However, unteachable, arrogant, entitled abusers completely disrespect God and disregard all life except their own. Such egotists will always refuse to repent from offenses and extreme cruelty.
Will God kill that abuser to end the torture?
Can we say that abusers, (drug addicts, violent alcoholics, lazy bums, murderers, rapists, child molesters...) are ‘more evil’ than other sinners, and God will kill them if they do not repent, to deliver their victims from their torture? Well, if God starts killing unrepentant sinners, people would suddenly become “as scarce as hen’s teeth.”
Some sins are indeed more serious than others, (Mt. 18:6-7.) Yet, all sin, which we refuse to “crucify” to follow Christ, will be our own bad choices to miss a relationship with Jesus and eventually, eternal life in heaven. Paul warned, “Do not be deceived: neither [unrepentant] fornicators, nor idolaters, adulterers, homosexuals, thieves, covetous, drunkards, revilers, extortioners… [murderers, tongue-murderers, liars,] backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, [abusing parents,] undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful, and those who approve of those who practice them, [so-called ‘passivists,’] will inherit the Kingdom of God, [as they are all] deserving of [eternal] death,” (1 Cor. 6:9-10; Rom. 1:29-32.)
¨ If all our attempts to bring savvy to sinners fail because they choose to harden their hearts against the conviction of the Holy Spirit, and intentionally reject God’s mercy of Scriptural confrontation and discipline, we can be sure that the righteous Judge will punish those stone-hearted maniacs, (Mt. 18:15-20.) Still, “It is His desire that all people should be saved and come to the knowledge of the truth, [and repentance from sin to obey the Word of God,]” (1 Tim. 2:4.)
In Luke 9:53-55, when the Samaritans refused Jesus’ Gospel of grace, James and John asked, “Lord, do You want us to command fire to come down from heaven and consume them, just as [Old Testament Covenant] Elijah did?” But Jesus rebuked them, saying, “You do not know what manner of spirit you are of. For the Son of man did not come to destroy men’s lives but to save them.” And in Lu. 13:1-5 He asked, “Do you think that these Galileans, whose blood Pilate had mingled with their sacrifices, [and those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell and killed them,] were worse sinners than all others, because they suffered such things? I tell you, no; but unless you repent [from your own false, hypocritical perceptions, deceitful religious piety, and other secret immoral sins,] you will all likewise perish.”
¨ This is not to say that God will not punish all unrepentant sin even in this life to bring justice to His suffering believers. Jesus demonstrated in Lu. 18:1-8 that God is the Just Judge Who has compassion on the helpless and oppressed.
May God have mercy on us all to stay at His feet and obey His Word in the leading of the Holy Spirit! Confession of and repentance from all forms of sin are integral parts of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Hence, our own obedience to the Truth of God’s Word might not help others, who choose to persist in sin, but it will certainly keep us safe from their dangerous deceit and control, and from the evil one that uses them to destroy us, (Jn. 5:18-19!)
We cannot decide for other people, but personal obedience to Jesus produces emotional growth to be strong and brave enough to grab hold of the “blessed hope,” which will keep us going until we meet Him at His “appearing” on the clouds. Emotional growth, (“renewing our minds to understand God’s perfect will,”) in turn, produces character growth, which is the reason why God allows affliction in the lives of true believers, (Heb. 5:8.) This is how He “works all things together for good to those who love [or obey] Him;” transforming the abused into sincerely committed, Holy-Spirit-anointed, emotionally empowered disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, (Titus 2:13; 1 Jn. 2:20-27 KJV; Rom. 5:1-5; 12:1-3; 8:28.)