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ABUSIVE CONTROL CAN BE HIGHLY ADDICTIVE
The frog-experiment: the process of enslavement
As in the experiment with the frog, which would immediately jump out of the pot when it is placed in hot water, while it would sit in the water and slowly cook to death if the water is heated gradually, the process of enslavement to spiritual, emotional, and physical abuse happens over time, while the victim is constantly brainwashed, duped, manipulated, and pushed into acceptance and submission, and eventually, into passivity and passive aggressiveness.
Without the submission, ignorance, denial, and passiveness or self-deception of the victim, abuse cannot exist. For as long as the victim cannot or will not clearly see the abuser for who he or she really is and what he or she is really doing, the victim will remain under the control of the abuser. It is no wonder that Jesus said, “we shall know the truth [about His Word and our circumstances,] and the truth shall set us free.” Many victims actually choose to live in denial rather than to face disruptive, or ‘destroying’ facts. I mean, it’s really difficult and heart-breaking to see that drunken dad for the dirty, lazy, rude, aggressive wife and child beater, and sponger that he really is (or was.) It’s easier to think of alcoholism as an “illness;” actually believing that he or she is a sad by-product of ‘evil enslaving alcohol,’ a sick society, an oppressing political system, etc. Searching for excuses to blame the alcohol and the drugs, and everyone else that could be remotely involved, instead of taking a long, hard look at the abuser behind the bottle, is not always easy. Still, it is the only way to get free and remain free from Satan’s enslavement to such abusers.
Essentially, the sin of abuse is a sick, distorted relationship between abusers and their victims. By projecting, (or reflecting their own guilt, blame, sin, and cowardice onto their victims,) abusers shine dehumanizing lies and distortions of the truth relentlessly on unsuspecting, naïve victims. For instance, many drunkards say, “You know why I drink? It’s because of my father… your mother… you children… my pain…” However, victims of alcoholic and drug addicts should know that everything under the sun is a reason for them to get high. They drink when they are happy and when they are sad; because their parents died and because they are still alive… In this way, abusers eventually force their victims to believe that they, (the victims,) are the ugly, stupid, and guilty ones and thus unworthy of the abusers’ acceptance, attention, protection, provision, love, and care – frequently resulting in the victims’ emotional and even physical dependence upon their abusers’ control. For instance, an allegedly ‘good’ father, greatly respected by the son (and everyone else,) brainwashed the son from early childhood by repeating over and over again, “You are so useless you break everything you touch… You are so stupid you need me to think for you… You are so worthless you will never amount to anything… You are the brawn, but I am the brain!”
The more victims cater for their oppressors’ evil whims by submitting to them and even defending them, [as in the case where a little girl willingly submits to her father’s sexual molestation because he gives her ‘special attention’ and treats,] the further their abusers move the goalpost and refuse to love, praise and accept them. In Islam, as in most pagan religions, child “marriage” is part of their culture. This is hardcore porn, sexual molestation and rape, not ‘culture.’
When the girl is old enough, this demonic father will most probably demand sex to extend his ‘goodness’ and ‘care.’ All unrepentant abusers dangle their ‘rewards’ of praise and acceptance to misuse and exploit their victims, while their victims continually fail to please them, thus forfeiting their love and acceptance. Consequently, as an alcoholic or drug addict becomes addicted to substance abuse, so deceived, passive victims become dependent upon the sparse and misplaced ‘affections’ of their abusers, which they can never achieve.
Indoctrinated, co-dependent victims defend their abusers even after death: Stockholm Syndrome
Victims, who were slowly heated in the cooking pot of deception and demonic control, will always yearn and strive for their abusers’ acceptance, affection, and protection, (even to the extent of patterning their own characters and abusive deeds on that of their tormentors,) while in reality, they will never be able to get that which they secretly desire, no matter how well they protect and follow the evil ways of their abusers. As a result, it happens frequently that battered wives hysterically attack the police when a neighbor calls in domestic violence. Most often, abuse-dependent victims fiercely defend their abusers, aiding abusers in their destructive works; spreading and repeating their manipulative lies, and justifying and minimizing their incredibly destructive sins! For instance, a deceived mother claimed, “How can you say he abused you all your life and never showed you fatherly love? He was just a very determined person and demanded complete obedience; everyone knew him like that, that’s just the way he was!”
This is clearly a case of constant mind-control and raw abuse turned admiration, because co-dependent victims of abuse unwittingly believe they will never be able to survive without their mentors. Also, because of shaming, victims choose to glorify their unrepentant abusers instead of exposing them. Instead of pursuing freedom from their constant, even lifelong oppressors, some victims remain hopelessly addicted to the control and fear of these satanic torturers. Such misplaced but ‘reverent respect’ can even escalate in the minds of enslaved victims long after their abusers’ death, mounting into fierce protectiveness of very evil, unrepentant people. (I.e.: “No one dares to say a word about him (or her!) He (or she) is dead — how evil are you dragging up rotten cows; have you no respect for the dead? Leave him (or her) alone! What he (or she) did or did not do has nothing to do with anyone else!” Or: “I cannot laugh out loud, buy new clothes, or tell the truth about what he/she did, because it feels as if he/she is watching me from the other side…”
It is a sad fact that millions of abuse-dependent victims can never escape their tormentors or even their own destructive sin of addiction to demonic control, as such victims actually choose to live in complete denial, justifying their own abusive sins from their own fuzzy ‘facts.’ This type of ‘bonding’ with, and even joining and defending dangerous abusers while focusing on, and fighting ‘an even worse’ enemy, is a well-known phenomenon. It is called Stockholm Syndrome. Wikipedia described this phenomena as follows, “Stockholm Syndrome can be seen as a form of traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but which describes strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, threatens, beats, abuses, [molests, rapes, verbally and physically assaults] or intimidates the other.”
Unless God grants victims of Stockholm syndrome the grace to clearly see what, and who their abusers really are, they will never be free from following and doing that which harmed them so deeply. Thus, they will always remain dependent on, and in bondage to their abusers for fear of ultimate rejection — even after their abusers have died!
ABUSE IS A DEMONIC DEHUMANIZING POWER
True to the crafty nature of its master the devil, the sin of abuse also pivots on manipulation and control through verbal, emotional, and physical dehumanizing techniques. By making their victims into ‘lesser’ beings, abusers assume such superiority over their victims as to torture them even to physical death, believing they “cannot really do wrong by harming or killing sub-humans.” Just think how many helpless little babies were gradually beaten to death by their fathers and the boyfriends of their mothers, while the mothers did nothing to intervene! I believe these monsters and their men merely saw those babies as ‘nuisances,’ which interfered with their pleasures and time. Someone aptly wrote, “Abusers make somebody less human by destroying his or her humanity, right to life, character, good name, Godly work, and self-worth; taking away his or her individuality, the creative and interesting aspects of his or her personality, or his or her compassion and sensitivity towards others.”
Behind and inside every willfully unrepentant abuser are murderous demons, (or a legion of demons,) commanded by Satan himself, even if they falsely profess Jesus Christ. It is impossible to serve God and Mammon, Jesus said – or God and decidedly unrepentant sin of all sorts. Willing repentance from sin is always the mark of the true believer. So, victims of abuse must realize that all forms of abuse are planned at, and executed directly from the throne of that fallen angel, whom the Life-giving Jesus called “the thief, who does not come except to steal, kill, and destroy,” (Jn. 10:10.)
The crime of abuse and especially nonstop, unrepentant abuse transcends this realm. Without mincing His words, Jesus referred to Satan’s unrepentant human helpers, the devil’s physical instruments of abuse, as those who “are of their father the devil, and the desires of their father they want to do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own resources, for he is a liar and the father of it,” (Jn. 10:10; 8:44.)
Although the truth, from the motive of resolution and healing, often hurts deeply; deliberate lies, which attack our neighbor’s spirit, soul, body, gifts, work, loved ones and life, is the direct, decimating voice of Satan, the first fallen angel, who chose to be the murderer of God’s “very good” universe. Truly born again believers of Christ will, as far as humanly possible, withhold malicious attacks on others, for “to love and practice a lie” is manifesting the evil nature of Satan. (As discussed in this study, to confront sin openly and honestly by directly speaking to the abuser, is a commandment of God and not an attack on the person!) The unrepentant, corrupt “fruits” of lies and character assassination distinguish false, hypocritical Christians from true believers.
In the end, abusers themselves will not escape the destruction of their father the devil. Sooner or later, those bound by hatred, fornication, adultery, unforgiveness, revenge, backbiting and maliciousness, will self-destruct. Satan does not really ‘reward’ abusers while torturing and annihilating the helpless and defenseless. The evil one is out to destroy God’s entire creation. He has set his attention on humanity in particular. One thing is certain, if that first and great abuser, Satan, cannot deceive or oppress victims into submitting to him and following him, he sends his demoniacs to wield their dark swords without relenting, granting no mercy or a way of escape in order to wear down their victims and crush them beyond all reason and human endurance — even onto death itself.
THE DREADFUL SIN OF PASSIVE AGGRESSIVENESS
God warned in Jam. 4:17, “To him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin.” This does not mean we should stick our noses into everyone else’s business. It means we have to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves, defend those cannot defend themselves, and so on. However, when we intend to do good and help the truly oppressed, we must be careful NOT to defend lies and unrighteousness in the process, being manipulated and deceived into joining a secret crusade of hatred, vindictiveness, and character assassination against those who have repented from a certain sin, or those who are innocently blamed for participating in sin. This does not pertain to assisting lazy bums, slanderers, VENGEFUL VICTIMS, and other sly abusers! Often, people think they are protecting a victim while they are being deceived into joining a war against the innocent.
God describes the sin of passivity in the face of allowing abuse, and thus participating in it without doing as much as protesting it, as follows, “Whoever is a partner with a thief [slanderer, liar, or any other abuser] hates his own life: he swears to tell the truth, but reveals nothing. The fear of man brings a snare...” (Prov. 29:24-25 — and read God’s warning in Romans 1:32!)
To aid, cover, submit to, and share in the sin of abusers, is to partner with abusers! God’s Moral Law commands in Lev. 5:5; 6:1-6, “If a person sins in hearing the utterance of an oath, [a conspiracy, or any form of tongue-murder; if he knows of secret battering, and so forth,] whether he has seen or known of the matter — if he does not tell it, he bears guilt...”
Whether the victim of abuse is a man, woman, child or a helpless animal, if those in a protective position remain passive in the face of abuse, it constitutes consent to that inexcusable crime against God and His human and animal creatures, (Rom. 1:32.) God commanded, “Defend the poor and fatherless. Do justice to the afflicted and needy. Deliver the poor and needy. Free them from the hand of the wicked!”
The sin of passivity, which is actually extreme, secret aggression, is a dangerous derivative of the manipulative sin of hypocrisy, which, in turn, is based on deception. This is where the old saying comes from, “Still waters run deep, and this is where the devil sleeps.” Both aggression and passivity are the twin manifestations of a vengeful spirit that sprung from unresolved guilt, hurt, shame, lovelessness, and mere self-absorbed selfishness. At the core of all this, hide cowardice and the willful neglect of those, whom passive people should protect, while they never get involved because they are not willing to give an inch of themselves.
The passive abuser seems to be completely passive, (or, what people often view as good-natured,) until it does not suit that person to play ‘uninterested’ or ‘soft-hearted’ anymore. This often happens when a ‘passive’ person, pretending to be the example of niceness, is confronted, restrained, or exposed. Then, that ‘meek,’ ‘compliant’ person suddenly turns into a cruel aggressor.
In an attempt to hide their secret sins, passive aggressors will suddenly erupt with most assertive shouting, false accusation, crude swearing and violence, which serve the purpose of obliterating the ‘opposition’ as fast as possible. This is ‘offense is the best defense’ in its rudest form. Subtle exploitation and manipulation suddenly turn into the forceful twisting and immovable denial of sound facts; loud character assassination, and any other form of evil, which, in the mind of the ‘passive’ aggressor, can cover, minimize, or aid the problem. All types of aggression make use of blame-shifting, denial, and projection. This means, aggressors of all types merely reflect their own blame, guilt, underhanded works and unreliable character unto those who ‘dare’ to confront their bad behavior.
Passivity also manifests in loveless disinterest where, for instance, a ‘good’ husband or wife does not violently assault his or her spouse, but wreaks incalculable marital and family damage by not defending the spouse and children against demonically controlled people. Or, they might not abuse their children verbally or physically, but neglect to provide for their emotional and physical needs through alcoholism, drug addiction, stinginess, or pure laziness to hold down a job. This kind of passive abuser would hardly think that willful neglect and disinterest constitute the most serious crime of abuse, not to mention character harm and even character murder!
Passive abusers are compelled to stand for righteousness and speak the truth as not to sin against their fellow man and above all, against God, by neither keeping quiet, nor defending sin, (1 Cor. 8:12; Lev. 6:1; 5:17! Rom. 1:29-32; Prov. 29:24 & 27; Heb. 10:38; 13:3.) However, passively participating either in the sin of others, [by deliberately allowing sin,] or indulging in their own selfish interests, most passive aggressive abusers deceive themselves to believe they are acting right and ‘godly’ by ‘avoiding conflict’ and ‘keeping the peace.’ But disinterest and a dreadful lack of love always hide dangerous levels of aggression in other areas of the person’s life. This frequently manifests in alcohol and drug abuse, sexual promiscuity and perversion, unreasonable unforgiveness and hatred, lying and manipulation, and underhanded, spiteful behavior such as kleptomania.
Sadly, passivity and neglect have the ‘handy’ side-effect of enslaving love-starved husbands, wives, and children to their abusers; always trying to gain some real type of affection from them. As explained in the discussion on ‘Stockholm Syndrome,’ many love-starved children (or spouses,) worship such bad parents, (husbands or wives.) Mothers and fathers especially can so dreadfully enslave children to their affection that it amounts to emotional and/or physical incest! That child will steal, lie, and even murder for them. Such parents never allow the child/teenager/adult to have emotional bonds with peers — especially not with boyfriends and girlfriends, and uses various techniques to keep the victim so busy that he or she never gets to building a life of their own. In such cases, life-long interference with the victim’s life, marriage and family will result in ceaseless conflict and broken relationships for the victim. Many people that were victimized in this way never marry, but cling to the parent for life; never understanding the great evil the parent has, and is doing to them. Whether their abusers were, or are active or passive demoniacs, they mighty simply always refuse to see or hear anything bad about them no matter how evil they were (or are,) and these victims will try anything to please and appease them – even long after they have died!
VICTIMS’ HATRED FOR PASSIVE PROTECTORS
Legitimate Blame VS Undeserved Hatred for Perceived Passive Protectors
It is particularly devastating, for instance, for children to have a so-called ‘good’ father or mother, who constantly neglects to defend them against molesting people. Especially, when someone, who is perceived a protector, knowing the truth, ignores the abuse and even defends the abuser! Thus, victims from an accountable age, who could distinguish morality from immorality, usually forgive the active abuser more readily than the passive person, whom they picked as their physical, emotional, or spiritual ‘protector,’ but who, both in reality and according to the victim’s own perception, abandoned them in their hour of need.
Here, we must make a distinction between real passive protectors and undeserved hated for supposed protectors, who really did not know about the abuse. In all fairness, we have to remember that one cannot be a protector if one is oblivious to the abuse; never suspected the abuse in the least, never saw the abuse and most despicably, were never told about the abuse. We must realize that most abuses are perpetrated in secret and often covered by shaming.
Ungodly in-laws usually bully the daughter-in-law deviously while feigning friendliness in company. Abusing fathers and mothers hit and harm their children when no one is watching. Adultery, incest and child molestation always happens in secret, yet mostly, this ‘great secret’ is daringly committed right under the nose of the unsuspecting spouse, who never knows about the ‘quick little sex game’ that is being played at dinner under the dining room table, or in the bathroom and bedrooms of their own home. Deep down, the wife or husband might suspect fornication of some kind, but to find hard evidence is another matter. To expect that adulterers, (as any other abuser,) would willingly confess their immoral offenses is to believe the impossible! Because all serial abusers are very cunning and underhanded, they always go to great lengths to conceal their crimes — although, in company, (just for the thrill of it,) they might flirt and ‘play’ daringly with their victims without anyone else noticing it.
On the other hand, ‘legitimate’ or ‘deserved’ blame for passive protectors, who really knew all about it, yet never spoke a word to protect the victim, is understandable. For instance, a supposedly ‘good’ but shaming granny [scroll down to the bottom of the WebPage,] placed her finger over her grandkid’s lips and whispered, “Never say such things!” when the 9-year old child told her, “Daddy touches me there...”
This demented, twisted granny deserves all the blame her grandchild can muster. Yet, in this particular case, this kid clearly suffers from Stockholm syndrome. She grew up without moral conscience to become a sick nymphomaniac, kleptomaniac, perpetual liar, and extremely destructive abuser, who adores this ‘wonderful’ granny!
While we always have hope that all people will repent and be saved in Christ, we must remain realistic where hardened sinners are concerned. Most abusers have been doing their crimes for so long they will never turn to do God’s will, as their helpers and supporters will certainly condemn and reject them when they tell them the truth and reveal who they really are. Both active and passive abusers of all kinds are brazen idolaters. Their minds are firmly set on continuing their murderous acts of witchcraft against the defenseless – and, in the process, they derive intense pleasure from their inhumane cruelty. [In Biblical terms, all those who pretend to be religious while remaining stubbornly disobedient to God’s Moral commandments, commit idolatry and witchcraft — 1 Sam. 15:22-26.]
ABUSE IS SEATED IN UNREPENTANCE
It is foolish to believe that abusers will ‘miraculously change’ without surrendering to Jesus. No one can deliver themselves from sin; especially not from sinful character traits, which they have been “training” to perform to perfection over a whole lifetime, (Rom. 3:9-31; 2 Pt. 2:14.) For instance, even if alcoholics decide to ‘quit’ the bottle, once sober, these people, still set in sin, will still be exactly the same persons who cunningly manipulated everyone; constantly lied about everything, and shouted and swore at everyone when they could not get their own way. That’s why ‘difficult’ people, who never truly accept and follow Jesus will only grow worse with age, as their appalling nature and behavior also keep on ‘maturing.’
Scripturally, not even God, Who can do anything, changes headstrong people without their consent and constant, active participation. To escape the dreadful condition of constant abuse, damaged people need to realize that they need much more than meaningless threats to contain an abuser; a shoulder to cry on, and empty promises. When confronted by unrepentant abusers, they need to implement drastic, personal character and lifestyle changes, as cough drops cannot cure lung cancer. Someone wisely said that mainly, “God changes our circumstances by changing us.” If victims fail to “withstand the devil” actively and steadfastly, they will slip into an abyss of violence and other types of crimes against them. Abuse always begets more abuse, as all other types of sin do, “when good people do nothing.”
However, I realize that not all victims of abuse are able to follow Jesus’ commandments to deal with abusers, as children, teenagers and even adults with absolutely no where to go, have to remain under the control of their abusers. This does not mean that victims should keep on submitting to abuse; that they should give their consent to abusers by hiding and keeping quiet, because they are too afraid and ashamed to speak out. For instance, there are cases where captured children, who were completely deprived of an outside life, finally got the chance to escape the unimaginable torment by running to the neighbours for help. Even children at barely an accountable age, are often able to elude abusers — abusers who endanger their safety and have authority over them as well. When confronted with sexual abuse, where possible, they ran away, screamed, and spoke to people they trust and who were able to help hem.
Yet, humanity submits so readily to abuse. The problem is that passively, and actually in violation of Jesus’ clear commandments concerning abuse and abusers, victims often fail to flee when it is impossible to fight, even if flight is possible. When the opportunity to escape presents itself, they choose to stay because they are dependent upon, and even addicted to their abusers in various ways. Therefore, millions of victims spend their lives in humiliation, anger and fear, without realizing that Jesus does not condone either the abuse, or the victim’s passive acceptance of the abuse.
God works in many miraculous ways to help and protect the innocent, but the old saying, “God helps those who are willing to help themselves,” remains true. God will most probably never restrain that abuser until the victim flees or speaks out against the abuse, and follows Jesus’ clear commandments in dealing with the abuser. God does work supernaturally, but He chooses to work through the Scriptural obedience of people. Still, people fold under oppression, and fall into temptation to sin by holding on to anger, guilt, and unforgiveness, instead of dealing actively, as far as possible, with the