my life 4 jesus.co.za
You have Magnified Your Word above All Your Name, Ps. 138:2
Dealing With Abuse and Abusers God’s Way
With love, to all the suffering victims of abuse
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This is not a study from the viewpoint of psychology.
This is a study of the influence of human circumstance, human behavior, and God’s Scriptural commandments to escape, resolve, and heal the dreadful yet common sin and consequences of abuse.
Without ever minimizing the despicable crimes of abuse, or the suffering of helpless victims of abuse, it is necessary to understand that the mechanisms, which the world presents to clarify and contain the trauma of abuse, is not as effective as they allege. It is an indisputable fact that the teachings of psychology are in enmity with the God of the Bible and His True Word, because it is based on religious pagan philosophy. Hence, psychology does not present any real answer to the effects of physical and emotional trauma. Instead, it poses great spiritual dangers to unwary, hurting people, who trust psychiatrists, psychologists, and even Christian psychologists and counsellors with their most intimate pain and problems.
A) Read about the origins, essence, aims and dangers of secular and Christian Psychology:
B) Read the book, illustrative of this study: What Meddling Parents can do to Adult Children
“CHRIST CALLED HIS DISCIPLES TO A SELFLESS LIFE; THEY MUST NEVER PROTEST ABUSE!” - “CAN THAT BE SCRIPTURAL?”
DOES GOD SAVE US “UNCONDITIONALLY” - even if we REFUSE to REPENT?
“LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF!” - “BUT… I MUST CRUCIFY MYSELF, NOT ‘LOVE’ MYSELF!”
“BLESS, DO GOOD, AND PRAY FOR YOUR ABUSERS!” - “HOW CAN I, WITH SO MUCH HURT, ANGER, AND RESENTMENT IN MY HEART?”
AN EXAMPLE OF CHRONIC, MULTILEVEL ABUSE
A “very nice” but deeply disturbed guy supposedly accepted Christ after leading a very problematic life, but he retained many secrets, and unconfessed, unrepentant sin in his heart, (Prov. 28:13.) Lies always begets more lies; but all the suffering such deceit causes is completely unnecessary, because Jesus suffered, died, and was risen from the dead to save and redeem everyone who sincerely seeks, accepts, and follows Him, (Eph. 1:7.)
This example of a Godly woman who was deceived into marrying, and living a lifetime of abuse with a severely troubled man is shockingly real, because to many people ‘abuse’ is just a word. God said in Jam. 1:8, “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.” Such people are never possessed by only one destructive habit. Demons always come in mobs because chronic abusers need many bad character traits to sustain their abuse of other people. The key players in this example can easily be reversed, because many men also fall into the trap of marrying female psychopaths.
Throughout their life together, the wife of this ‘nice’ guy suspected him of adultery but could never prove it. As all abusers, he was so sly and clever she knew absolutely nothing about the sexual immorality he began to commit shortly after they got engaged, and continued all of their married life. Financially, he took good care of her and their family, but emotionally, he put her persistently through “living hell” on all levels of life.
Under the convincing pretence that he loved her, it began with alcohol abuse and cheating before they got married, which he lied about. After they were married, she discovered he also did drugs and was co-dependant on bad friends and destructive family members. He got desperately drunk on every occasion, shaming her in front of her friends, family, and in public. All the while, he constantly broke his promises, and deceived her with twisted truths, lies, and false promises.
He introduced her to porn; humiliated her by flirting with her friends as well as with strange women; using dirty language and making pervert suggestions to them, even in her presence. He began to destroy their finances without consulting her or paying any attention to her Godly advice. He “gas lighted” her by forcing her to believe the impossible like catching venereal disease from a toilet; tried to force her to believe things such as he was waiting in a queue for two hours at the little local drug store around the corner; disappearing on his way home from work to only appear two or three hours later with some lame explanation; constantly refuting everything she said; pretending he didn’t hear her speak even though he sat next to her, and refusing to heed nearly all good and logic requests. He never defended her against the abuse of others, and refused to stand up for her even when she was attacked in his presence.
He frequently tried to palm her off onto other men, and would not compliment her no matter how well she dressed and took care of herself, their family, and home. On two occasions, while she was extremely ill in hospital, he did not make any attempt to be with her but always stood on the excuse that he had to work. After a few violent attacks, which started while they were still engaged, his abusive behavior gradually escalated into life threatening assaults each time she confronted his most unruly behavior.
Severely deceived, she always had the silly notion she could change him through love, acceptance, living her life as a moral example, and withstanding his destructive behavior and dirty habits by explaining, pleading and fighting him.
Eventually, evidence came to light that he, shortly after they got married, also began to sexually molest her sister’s three young daughters. After a terrible ordeal to get some sense out of him, he admitted to molesting “only” the elder two of her nieces; flatly refusing to admit that he touched the youngest one. One was five and the other one was twelve when it all began. The wife could never even begin to suspect that he was a paedophile as well as a sex crazed womanizer who then kept her eldest niece as his whore for more than twenty years, while chasing after nearly every other woman he saw.
The truth about this was only revealed after more than forty years when the younger of the two nieces abusively confronted her with her husband’s molestation. Most ‘perplexingly,’ this niece was always nasty to her no matter how much she tried to reach out to her, and now she realized her niece was blaming her for what her husband did to her.
In shock and raw anger, the wife went ballistic. She demanded to know the truth about everything, also about his constant adultery, which she always suspected but could never prove, while he flatly refused to confess anything.
She stood on the fact that God commanded in Jam. 5:16-17, “Confess your [serious, soul and life-destroying] trespasses [against one another by name] to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed…”
Because this abuser professed to be a born again believer in Christ for the last 27 years, (Jn. 1:12-13; 3:3-5,) his wife demanded that he willingly confessed all these serious crimes to her and to his victims. By then, the oldest of the three had died and he confessed to the younger niece, who supposedly forgave him. He vehemently denied ever touching the youngest one, who was still very young when this happened.
However, after nearly a lifetime, he still refused to confess all his underhanded adultery to his wife, manipulatively confessing only what he wanted to confess to hide his lovelessness, rejection, and constant infidelity. Because she knew that no relationship, least of all a marriage, can be built on lies and such brutal distortions of everything she held dear and holy, she demanded explanations to make sense of her life and to work actively toward reconciliation between them. As usual, she was also willing to forgive him all these terrible crimes, as long as he explained to her why and how he did all this without her knowing that he led a completely double life. All she ever got in return, besides a multitude of broken promises and violent assaults, were statements that he “didn’t know what he was doing; it was offered to him on a platter; it was just a ‘game’ and he didn’t really harm anyone.”
Such cruel emotional murder, and soul and life destroying crimes can never be a game!
From this example of extreme, chronic, multilevel abuse, I can only say that I myself always did, and always will make it clear that no sane person (or helpless animal) seeks, desires, or enjoys maltreatment. I was always first to defend all victims of abuse that I knew about, and by the grace of God, I always will shield them as far as possible in everything good and Godly, and speak out for those who have no voice. Any type of abuse always leaves indelible scars on souls, lives, relationships, and bodies, which only Jesus Christ can heal with His blood and broken body. Constant abuse wreaks such terrible sorrow on victims and produce such incredible humiliation and anger that they might never be healed on this side of the grave. All types of abuse are crimes against God, humanity, and the rest of His creation - and child molestation, rape and assault are crimes punishable by law, while adultery is hatred and thus, emotional murder, (1 Jn. 3:15.)
Very few abusers ever realize (or care) that their chronic abuse places victims in a precarious position.
On top of all the pain, anger, distress, provocation, humiliation, rejection and unsettlement, victims of abuse often have to contend with the bewilderment of their physical and emotional dependence upon a serial abuser. It is not uncommon that they also struggle with their distorted but lingering love for such a beast, as in the case of a cruel abuser, who still remains a parent, sibling, spouse, or adult child. Even more horrendously is the emotional strain of a life filled with foul and violent episodes, extremely bad memories, and even the ultimate trauma of separation and divorce.
Besides all this, it is not uncommon for those who suffer persistent abuse to experience diminishing or distorted faith in God and a huge lack of self confidence, while shame and growing isolation leaves the person without a trustworthy support system, or even just another person to talk to. Then, there is the vital yet difficult matter of forgiveness and, if the victims of such beasts have no other recourse, the continued sharing of their lives with unrelenting abusers. This is why abuse, left untreated God’s Way, (which is the only real way to heal humanity from festering emotional wounds,) has the power to turn the victims of abuse into malicious abusers themselves; set in anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, hatred, revenge and many other forms of evil, which severely threaten not just their happiness and lives on earth, but also their eternal lives in heaven.
Still, victims of abuse are not merely “sinners who need to repent from the victim mentality, induced by psychology,” as some heartless and misinformed person wrote. God Himself views physical and verbal abuse in such a serious light that He gave us clear Scriptural directives to deal with all types of injurious people.
When talking about abuse, we must remember that in most cases, chronic abuse happens on a multilevel. Multilevel refers to the onion effect. Layers of abuse often sits one on top of another, as illustrated in the example describe above. Over time, different types of abuse pile up from different angles to overwhelm victims and push them away from God and other people, and to destroy them mentally, physically — even spiritually.
Therefore, this study pertains to all types of abuse and to all victims of abuse. Yet, because I have never and will never protect any type of unrepentant abuser, (even victims turned abusers,) I do not dispute the fact that an exaggerated, vengeful and even a misconceived victim mentality does exist. I know that ignoring, minimizing and justifying their crimes are common, manipulative tricks, which all types of unremorseful abusers use to wrangle themselves out of confrontation and accountability.
Nevertheless, let there never be any doubt: my sympathy lies with the victims of abuse.
Still, God did not call anyone to condemn anyone else to eternal hell and the destruction of his or her life and soul. He called His children to be His instruments in saving, redeeming and restoring all people according to the truth of His Word! Sending souls to hell is God’s domain, while judging or testing their unrepentant ‘fruit’ or continuous deeds is a commandment of God. Therefore, backbiting, persecution, revenge and condemnation do not represent the Scriptural commandment to ‘judge’ bad deeds. Discernment between right and wrong, and the uncovering of willfully unrepentant sin, are obedience to God’s Moral Law of Love! (Jn. 4:1-4; 1 Ths. 5:21.22, etc.)
To sinners without Christ, sin is a normal part of life, (Prov. 10:23.) Even sincere believers in Christ also stumble sometimes, (1 Jn. 1:7-10.) But a true believer simply cannot persist in his or her old sinful ways, (whether the sin is outward sin or secret, emotional sin such as unresolved anger, hatred and revenge,) and remain a child of God, who will inherit eternal life in heaven, (Rom. 12:1-2; Rev. 20:11-25; Rom. 14:10-11; Rev. 3:5.)
It is the deceptive lie of psychiatry, spiritually dead religion, and ungodly, vengeful victims that murderers, rapists, or child molesters, once sincerely saved in Christ and repented from sin, supposedly cannot be pastors, evangelists, etcetera, in the service of Christ. God forbade us to commit emotional and spiritual murder on anyone — not even on our unrepentant “enemies,” but to restore abusers to society once they have repented from their abuse, (2 Cor. 2:5-11.)
God completely forgives those, who stop their abuse, willingly confess their sin to their victims, and do restitution according to His Scriptural commandments, (Jam. 5:16-17.) So, it is an immovable Scriptural fact that, if humanity should remain disqualified from God’s forgiveness and service after salvation and Scriptural repentance, then Christ has died in vain for us all, (Gal. 2:21.)
A great problem, which hinders the healing of wounded people and broken relationships, is the fact that people do not honestly and openly confess their sins by name to one another, as God commands in Scripture. Most people, believers too, keep their devastating sins secret and cowardly ‘confess their sins to God;’ deceiving themselves to think it is unnecessary to confess all hurtful, demeaning, and destructive crimes by name to “one another,” (Jam. 5:16-18.)
It is crucial to realize, if just one evil deed hinders a relationship, we should initiate peace as soon as possible by openly discussing the matter with each other in private first, (more on the Scriptural process of reconciliation later on,) and confess that sin to the person or persons “we have trespassed against.” Of course, the transgressor then also needs to repent from that sin and do restitution for the harm they have caused. For instance: lies must be replaced by truth; infidelity by fidelity, etcetera.
Those abusers who obey God’s Moral Law of Love by confessing their sins (by name) to their victims, repenting from abuse and doing the necessary restitution, are in fact true conquerors, as it takes a lot of faith in God and a whole load of self-denial and guts to obey these most important Moral commandments of God. However, nothing God commands is really that difficult, because, as soon as we decide to obey Him, the Holy Spirit empowers us and leads the way.
THE DEFINITION AND MECHANISMS OF ABUSE AND ABUSERS
The purpose of abuse is not just to harm us, but to discourage and draw even sincere believers away from God, while keeping unbelievers in hatred for God; blaming Him for all the ills in their lives and in this world. As long as the evil one can make us believe that evil comes from God, and that He does not care about the suffering in this world, he has a foothold in our thoughts to turn us against God. However, the opposite is true. “God SO loved the WHOLE world, (every person on earth,) that He gave His only, begotten Son Jesus, so that WHOEVER (personally believes in Him, accepts Him and follows Him,) shall not perish, but have eternal life,” (Jn. 3:16.)
In His Word, Jesus made it clear that continual, deliberate, and unrepentant abuse is not just a mistake, a once-off remark, a joke, words said in anger because of severe provocation, or a thoughtless offense such as standing on someone’s toes, of which we are all guilty sometimes. God declared in 1 Jn. 1:6-10, “If we say we have not sinned we make God a liar, and His Word is not in us.” Acute, inexcusable crimes against humanity usually reveal themselves in violent attacks from strangers such as robbery, assault, rape, adultery, and murder. However, real abuse is an unbearable, chronic state or condition, which occurs repeatedly and persists in families, marriages, workplaces, religious congregations and other long-term relationships. True abuse often only stops physically at the death of the unrepentant abuser, while the damages done to innocents usually live on in the emotions and physical circumstances of victims!
The crime of violent abuse is a most destructive force, but all types of abuse are really life-threatening crimes. Even continual verbal attacks such as shouting and swearing, (despite the fact that it is the crime of character assassination,) will, sooner or later, escalate into physical violence, which often ends in physical murder. Nevertheless, Jesus Himself taught that secretive anger, unforgiveness, hatred and unfounded jealousy transcends the physical realm of physical pain. It focuses on character and spiritual murder, and manifests in the spreading of lies, provocation, false accusations, relentless persecution, rejection, slander, cheating, adultery, sexual molestation, rape, theft, and everything else that is vile, dangerous, and destructive.
This is what John meant when he wrote in 1 Jn. 3:15, “Whoever hates his [fellow human being] is a murderer and you know that no [unrepentant] murderer has eternal life abiding in him.”
In teaching on dealing with abuse, Jesus commanded, when you are slapped on the cheek, [which is merely an occasional insult, not assault or chronic abuse,] you should turn the other cheek too. However, “whoever is angry with [another] without a [serious] cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to [another] ‘Raca!’ and ‘You fool!’ [You useless, ugly, stupid, vile thing,] is in danger of hell fire! [Do not think you can serve and worship God with such murder in your heart and on your tongue.] Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar and there remember that [someone else]