my life 4 jesus.co.za
You have Magnified Your Word above All Your Name, Ps. 138:2
Dealing With Abuse and Abusers God’s Way
With love, to all the suffering victims of abuse
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This is not a study from the viewpoint of psychology.
This is a study of the influence of human circumstance, human behavior, and God’s Scriptural commandments to escape, resolve, and heal the dreadful yet common sin and consequences of abuse.
Without ever minimizing the despicable crimes of abuse, or the suffering of helpless victims of abuse, it is necessary to understand that the mechanisms, which the world presents to clarify and contain the trauma of abuse, is not as effective as they allege. It is an indisputable fact that the teachings of psychology are in enmity with the God of the Bible and His True Word, because it is based on religious pagan philosophy. Hence, psychology does not present any real answer to the effects of physical and emotional trauma. Instead, it poses great spiritual dangers to unwary, hurting people, who trust psychiatrists, psychologists, and even Christian psychologists and counsellors with their most intimate pain and problems.
“CHRIST CALLED HIS DISCIPLES TO A SELFLESS LIFE; THEY MUST NEVER PROTEST ABUSE!” - “CAN THAT BE SCRIPTURAL?”
DOES GOD SAVE US “UNCONDITIONALLY” - even if we REFUSE to REPENT?
“LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF!” - “BUT… I MUST CRUCIFY MYSELF, NOT ‘LOVE’ MYSELF!”
“BLESS, DO GOOD, AND PRAY FOR YOUR ABUSERS!” - “HOW CAN I, WITH SO MUCH HURT, ANGER, AND RESENTMENT IN MY HEART?”
AN EXAMPLE OF CHRONIC, MULTILEVEL ABUSE
This study flows from the book, “What Meddling Parents can Do to Adult Children.”
To summarize, a “very nice” but deeply disturbed guy supposedly accepted Christ after leading a very problematic life, but he retained many secrets, and unconfessed, unrepentant sin in his heart, (Prov. 28:13.) Lies always begets more lies; but all the suffering such deceit causes is completely unnecessary, because Jesus suffered, died, and was risen from the dead to save and redeem everyone who sincerely seeks, accepts, and follows Him, (Eph. 1:7.)
This example of a Godly woman who was deceived into marrying, and living a life of abuse with a severely troubled man is shockingly real, because to many people ‘abuse’ is just a word. God said in Jam. 1:8, “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.” Such people are never possessed by only one destructive habit. Demons always come in mobs because chronic abusers need many bad character traits to sustain their mostly secret abuse of other people.
The key players in this example can easily be reversed, because many men also fall into the trap of marrying female psychopaths.
Throughout their life together, the wife of this ‘nice’ guy suspected him of adultery but could never prove it. As all abusers, he was so sly and brilliant she knew absolutely nothing about the sexual immorality he began to commit shortly after they got engaged, and continued all of their married life. Financially, he took good care of her and their family, but emotionally, he put her persistently through “living hell” on all levels of life.
Under the convincing pretence that he loved her, it began with alcohol abuse and cheating before they got married, which he lied about. After they were married, she discovered he also did drugs and was co-dependant on bad friends and destructive family members. He got desperately drunk on every occasion, shaming her in front of her friends, family, and in public. All the while, he constantly broke his promises, and deceived her with twisted truths, lies, and false promises.
He humiliated her by flirting with her friends as well as with strange women; using dirty language and making pervert suggestions to them, even in her presence. He began to destroy their finances without consulting her or paying any attention to her Godly advice. He “gas lighted” her by forcing her to believe the impossible like catching venereal disease from a toilet; tried to force her to believe things like he was waiting in a queue for two hours at the drug store around the corner; disappearing on his way home from work to only appear two or three hours later with some lame explanation; constantly refuting everything she said; pretending he didn’t hear her speak even though he sat next to her, and refusing to heed nearly all good, polite, and logic requests. He never defended her against the abuse of others, and refused to stand up for her even when she was attacked in his presence.
He frequently tried to palm her off onto other men, and would not compliment her no matter how well she dressed and took care of herself, their family, and home. On two occasions, while she was extremely ill in hospital, he did not make any attempt to be with her but always stood on the excuse that he had to work. After a few violent attacks, which started while they were still engaged, his abusive behavior gradually escalated into life threatening assaults each time she confronted his most unruly behavior.
Severely deceived, she always had the silly notion she could change him through love, acceptance, uplifting him wherever possible, living her life as a moral example, and withstanding his destructive behavior and dirty habits by explaining, pleading and, when all else failed, fighting him unwaveringly.
Eventually, evidence came to light that he, shortly after they got married, also began to sexually molest her sister’s three daughters. After a terrible and even violent ordeal to get some sense out of him, he admitted to molesting “only” the elder two of her nieces; flatly refusing to admit that he touched the youngest one. One was five and the other one was twelve when it all began. The wife could never even begin to suspect that he was a paedophile as well as a sex crazed womanizer who then kept her eldest niece as his prostitute for more than twenty years, while at the same time, chasing after nearly every other woman he saw.
The truth about this was only revealed after more than forty years when the younger of the two nieces abusively confronted her with her husband’s molestation. Most ‘perplexingly,’ this niece was always nasty to her no matter how much she tried to reach out to her, and now she realized her niece was blaming her for what her husband did to her.
In shock and raw anger, the wife went ballistic. She demanded to know the truth about everything, also about his constant adultery, which she always suspected but could never prove, while he flatly refused to confess anything.
She stood on the fact that God commanded in Jam. 5:16-17, “Confess your [serious, soul and life-destroying] trespasses [against one another by name] to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed…”
Because, by this time, this abuser professed to be a born again believer in Christ for the last 27 years, (Jn. 1:12-13; 3:3-5,) his wife demanded that he willingly confessed all these serious crimes to her and to his victims. By then, the oldest of the three had died and he confessed to the younger niece, who supposedly forgave him. He continued to vehemently deny that he touched the youngest one, who was still very young when this happened.
However, after nearly a lifetime, he still refused to confess all his underhanded adultery to his wife, manipulatively confessing only what he wanted to confess to hide his lovelessness, rejection, and constant infidelity. Because she knew that no relationship, least of all a marriage, can be built on lies and such brutal distortions of everything she held dear and holy, she demanded explanations to make sense of her life and to work actively toward reconciliation between them. As usual, she was also willing to forgive him all these terrible crimes, as long as he explained to her why and how he committed all those terrible crimes without her knowing, and how it was possible that he led a completely double life for nearly a whole lifetime without her suspecting the depth and darkness of all that he was doing behind her back. All she ever got in return, besides a multitude of broken promises and many violent assaults, were more lies and statements that he “didn’t know what he was doing; it was offered to him on a platter; it was just a ‘game,’ and he didn’t really harm anyone.”
Such cruel emotional murder, and soul and life destroying crimes can never be a game!
From this example of extreme, chronic, multilevel abuse, I can only say that I myself always did, and always will make it clear that no sane person (or helpless animal) seeks, desires, or enjoys maltreatment of any sort. I was always first to defend all victims of abuse that I knew about, and by the grace of God, I always will shield them as far as possible in everything good and Godly, and speak out for those who have no voice.
Any type of abuse always leaves indelible scars on souls, lives, relationships, and bodies, which only Jesus Christ can heal with His blood and broken body. Constant abuse wreaks such terrible sorrow on victims and produce such incredible humiliation and anger that they might never be healed on this side of the grave. All types of abuse are crimes against God, humanity, and the rest of His creation - and child molestation, rape and assault are crimes punishable by law, while adultery is hatred and thus, emotional murder, (1 Jn. 3:15.)
Few abusers ever realize (or care) that their chronic abuse places victims in a precarious position
On top of all the pain, anger, distress, provocation, humiliation, rejection and unsettlement, victims of abuse often have to contend with the bewilderment of their physical and emotional dependence upon a serial abuser. It is not uncommon that they also struggle with their distorted but lingering love for such a beast, as in the case of a cruel abuser, who still remains a parent, sibling, spouse, or adult child. Even more horrendously is the emotional strain of a life filled with foul and violent episodes, extremely bad memories, and even the ultimate trauma of separation and divorce.
Besides all this, it is not uncommon for those who suffer persistent abuse to experience diminishing or distorted faith in God and a huge lack of self confidence, while shame and growing isolation leaves the person without a trustworthy support system, or even just another person to talk to. Then, there is the vital yet difficult matter of forgiveness and, if